Wow... I guess that I need to be more forthcoming with my blogging. Been a year and a half since I last blogged (Melissa and I's 10th anniversary). ALOT has happened since then. Some good, some bad...It's been a long road...and still traveling it....
The biggest thing is that Melissa's cancer has not gone away. In fact, it has spread. To her lungs. Nothing big, although she had another scan yesterday, and we find the results out tomorrow. She's currently on an experimental drug (some number, they don't give those drugs a name for some reason.), and has been for about 2 months now. Hopefully this scan will be some good news for us, as we could really use it. She's in almost constant pain, it ebbs and flows with taking pain medication to control it, as well as some ice packs.
They, being the medical professionals, say it could be inflamed scar tissue from her surgery in Feb to remove the tumor and the lymph nodes feeding it. There were some issues from that surgery that prevented her from healing properly, which have been resolved, but how it has affected her, I am not sure. I hope soon that we get answers.
She's currently on leave from work to fight this. Her health, above all else, is the most important thing.
It's been very difficult for me. I feel so damn helpless at times, watching the woman I love suffer through this. The protector in me feels incredibly bad, as I feel that in some way, I have failed, even though it's not my fault. I have to be strong for her sake, as well as the kids. I know that in this time, men can cry, but I don't have the time. As soon as one thing is done, I have to being something else, be it laundry, getting Logan to bed, dishes, etc. I do have Holly to help, but I can only ask her to do so much.
Am I complaining? No, not really. I think this is more cathartic for me, getting this off my chest out to the world. There are times I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore all that is around me. In my situation, who wouldn't want to do that, and who would blame them?
In my life, I have always been positive, had a positive attitude, and tried to look for the best in any situation. It has been seriously tested over the past 25 months. I think I have been thrown so many curve balls, that I'm not surprised anymore by them.
I just came down from checking on her, and to see her in the pain she's in, really hurts me. Again, it's that very helpless position that I absolutely hate to be in. I curse myself for not being able to do anything, curse life for being in this position, and pretty much just curse everything. Doesn't make it right that I do that, and it's not who I am.
The one good thing I have in my life right now, are my friends and my co-workers. I do have an amazing support system that I can lean on when I have to. I try not to, being the macho man I am, but I'm grateful that it's there. You guys are the best, and thank you for being there.
As for how my kids are doing, and the like, I'll save that for another blog. I feel better typing out what I just did, even if it may not make sense to others.
5 comments:
Craig, you are a wonderful husband and father. Melissa is a fighter and she is lucky to have you. I love you both like family and I am here for you guys.
Thanks! It means alot to us....
Craig, you don't have to explain why you're having the feelings you're having, because very few (in the grand scheme of things) can actually relate to them. You are ALL doing the best you can, and that's all that matters. Melissa is a strong woman, with a zest for life and a positive attitude, and those alone will be her cure. Blog as much as you want, as long as it makes you feel better...would love to hear about the kids, and to hear how Logan is doing these days. Life curve balls like this allow families to bond together, and it's obvious that's what has happened with you guys. Keep doing what you're doing, because you're doing an AWESOME job!! XOXO
Craig, I will say it again....if there is ANYTHING I can do to help you out, never hesitate to ask. I have you, Melissa and your kids in my thoughts & prayers daily. From what you've told me, Melissa is a fighter and that helps her get thru this. Please don't feel you have to explain your feelings to anyone.....everyone knows you are going through more than your share of trials and hardtimes....the whole family has! But, especially you. I love that you blog and open up like you do and share with all of us what you are going through. I have told you before...you are the most positive person I have known and I admire you for how you have handled this....but please don't forget to reach out for a hand when you need it! I hope to hear more from you on the kids and the results you were waiting to get back. Love, hugs and prayers are going out to all of you!
Craig, I will say it again....if there is ANYTHING I can do to help you out, never hesitate to ask. I have you, Melissa and your kids in my thoughts & prayers daily. From what you've told me, Melissa is a fighter and that helps her get thru this. Please don't feel you have to explain your feelings to anyone.....everyone knows you are going through more than your share of trials and hardtimes....the whole family has! But, especially you. I love that you blog and open up like you do and share with all of us what you are going through. I have told you before...you are the most positive person I have known and I admire you for how you have handled this....but please don't forget to reach out for a hand when you need it! I hope to hear more from you on the kids and the results you were waiting to get back. Love, hugs and prayers are going out to all of you!
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