One year ago yesterday, I found out that I was losing my best friend, my soul mate, my wife. Nothing in your life can prepare you for hearing that, no matter what facts you are faced with. It is one of those things that you get punched in the gut with, and when I heard those words "There is nothing we can do for you", I felt like Mike Tyson had punched me in the gut.
After he said that, he left the room. Both of us were upset. We knew, without saying a word, what was going through each others minds. I was heartbroken moreso that I had ever been. I've lost family members, and I've been sad. But to be in the room to be told you are losing a best friend, a soulmate, a wife, the mother of your kids. That takes it to a whole new level.
Melissa started talking about either renting a van, or getting a new one, and taking the kids on day trips. Hershey, Pa, up to Put in Bay, Amish Country were all discussed before the doctor came back. He started talking to us about Hospice, and how they would be in contact with us. After that, it's all a blur. I remember bringing her home, talking for a few minutes. I asked her if I should go back to work. She responded that I should, as she was just going to get some sleep.
I wish I would have stayed home. But she was right. All I would do is mope and become emotional. So, I went to work to mope and be even more emotional. The first person I ran into when I got there was my HR Director. I must admit, it took a whole hell of alot of willpower to keep from crying. When I told her, she quickly got me in with my boss, and the Executive Director. I told them, "There is nothing they can do for her", and just broke down. I remember my boss and my Executive Director hugging me, and the Director crying. I was told to go home by someone shortly after (probably the HR Director), but I refused. I wish I didn't do that. I wished I would have went home to be with her. For that Melissa, I am sorry.
I wish that Melissa and I could have done some of the things we talked about in the doctors office. We both wanted the kids to have positive memories of family time, and just enjoying each other. I wish we could have forseen how quickly things happened.
With tomorrow being mother's day, I've been wracking my brain to see how, or if, I celebrate it with Logan. I still am. Logan, like me, still gets emotional about her. He is more likely to not cry, unlike me, but I know the pain is there inside him. He just keeps it in a box on a shelf. Sometimes, having autism is a good thing.
I just wish I knew what the right answer is in how to handle tomorrow. I don't even know if there is a right answer. I just hope, no matter what I do, that Melissa knows how much she is loved by her son and her three daughters. They all looked up to her. They all miss her just as much as I do.
Melissa, Happy Mother's Day. I Love You. Logan Loves you. Shannon Loves you. Holli Loves you. Megan Loves you.
1 comment:
Oh Craig, I knew it had to be something like that...May is just the worst... I wish we could do more to help you with all of this...We have our times too, that it just doesn't seem fair..I guess she was so brave, it seemed like she could go on forever..If only....Thankfully we did get to spend a lot of time with her those last years, and I know it was hard on you having us there so much but Thank You for that..We would not be dealing with it half as well if we didn't get that time...
She is a very bright light in our lives, and will always burn bright in our hearts..We loved her sooo much too...Our hearts are with you Logan and the girls this month too..We all need to remember the wonderful times we shared as a family. Love Stella (Mom)
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