Changes..

As many of you know, Melissa passed away on May 27th around 8:30am. It was, and still is, a very painful thing for me to think about. That day will always be tough for me. Every year, at that time, I will probably break down and cry. I still do that. I almost did it when I came up the stairs the other day, when the memory of the last time she came up the stairs to go to bed came into my head. I'm fighting the tears now, typing this.

Melissa was much more than my wife. She was the mother of two of my kids, and mom to four. She embraced them from the start, as if they were her own. She was my best friend...someone that I could talk to about anything. She was probably the only person I could do that with, and may ever do that with. She was also my soul mate. I cannot say that strongly enough. We could look at each other, and know what each other was thinking. Did we have our disagreements...yes. Did we fight? Yes, but in the end, we loved each other, and we grew stronger together.

It's hard to think past the previous two and a half years. Ever since that night in the ER before the first colonoscopy that began the journey through the waters of a cancer patient. It made me question everything at first. I felt lost. But it was Melissa, who was going through the surgeries to put in the port, chemo every two weeks, scans, radiation, trials and even another surgery to remove the original tumors, that kept me positive, and hopeful that she would be around for a long time. My optimism was tested, but was returned to me by Melissa. I broke down more over the past two years than I ever have previous to Dec 2008, when she got the diagnosis. But it was Melissa that kept me hopeful. Each time we went to chemo, and she said she would "Kick Cancer's Ass". I smiled, and told her that I knew she would. And she put up one hell of a fight.

I love her. And I always will. No one will ever be able to fill my heart with love like she did. Even at the end, she gave me hope. She gave me confidence in myself to move on. But most of all, she gave me love. A love that I will always have in my heart. When she left, it wasn't good bye. I always feel her presence. I feel positive that she is happy with where I am at in my life now. Everyday, I look up to the sky, and smile. I tell her I love you. And I do. Always and forever.

My kids. The worst thing in the world, is to tell a child, especially your own, that your mom is not going to make it. That she is dying. The worst thing I've ever done in my wife was tell my son that mommy wasn't going to be with us much longer. The look on his face will never leave my thoughts. To tell your daughter that her mother is gone....to see the sadness in her eyes, broke my heart.

Holli - I will always love you. No matter what happens in the future. I know that you needed a fresh start, given the hell you went through here. I wish I could have you here with Logan and I. But I know that you need this. Just know that I will support you no matter what...I miss you and Love you.

Shannon - My oldest. You have been so strong through all of this. I appreciate your support, strength and understanding through everything these past three month. We may not always agree (no surprise because you are 17), but I love you still. And I always will. I remember all the fun times we have had. You are much more grown up than your age shows as well. I really enjoy the talks we have, similar to the ones you and Melissa had. I may not have always been part of them, but I listened.

Megan - My youngest daughter. You are me in female form, which is kinda scary. But when you went up to talk about Melissa at her Celebration, that really opened my eyes to who you really are. Very strong, and you believe in yourself. I know Melissa was smiling when you spoke. She, as I do, love you very much. I know I don't say it much, but I do love you. I do appreciate you. More than maybe you'll ever know.

Logan - My little man. You may not ever read this, but it doesn't matter. You have been the strongest little boy I have ever seen. You want to be strong for me, and I want to be strong for you. We never let each other see tears. Yet, I hear about how you talk about mommy all the time, and smile while doing it. Sometimes you cry, but mostly smile. But you are strong. Right now, it's just you and me, on this adventure know as life. I love you, big guy.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

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I've been through so many changes in my life over the past year. The past three and a half months especially. I don't expect those changes to stop anytime soon. Some are good, some bad. But you have to take the good with the bad. Life is much more precious now. I am also learning to seize the moment, as if you don't, things may pass you by and you'll miss out on the good things and people that could change your life. I learned that from Melissa. And I know she would be proud.

Melissa Lee Fraize-Morris. I love you. You will always be my wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Like I said, no one will take your place in my life. This song says what I feel. I miss you, baby.

Song for Melissa