Went to the Dr yesterday. Mixed news, I think
She's off the trial treatment. It wasn't working for her, and in fact the tumors on the liver have grown in size. The spots on her lungs grew a bit, but it didn't seem like the doctor was overly concerned about them, but keeping watch. Honestly, when I heard this, my heart sank, and I began to feel sorry for myself and the situation. I try not to do that, but I couldn't control it.
We do have options, which one of them we will be exploring tomorrow afternoon. It may be a radiation treatment for her, but we'll see what this doctor says to us tomorrow. I was glad to hear that the doctor said we have some options. This brought me very quickly out of the self pity party I was having.
Admittedly, I am having trouble wrapping my head around all of this. It's been more than 24 hours, and I'm still trying to absorb it. Is this another mountain to climb? Will it lead to a better place, or will we find the valley again? Time will tell, I suppose.
This topped off an already crazy week. I need this weekend more than ever this week. And I'm looking forward to seeing my brother in law next week....That'll be just the thing I need to cheer up Melissa, and myself....
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's how you deal, is what makes you who you are..
Wow... I guess that I need to be more forthcoming with my blogging. Been a year and a half since I last blogged (Melissa and I's 10th anniversary). ALOT has happened since then. Some good, some bad...It's been a long road...and still traveling it....
The biggest thing is that Melissa's cancer has not gone away. In fact, it has spread. To her lungs. Nothing big, although she had another scan yesterday, and we find the results out tomorrow. She's currently on an experimental drug (some number, they don't give those drugs a name for some reason.), and has been for about 2 months now. Hopefully this scan will be some good news for us, as we could really use it. She's in almost constant pain, it ebbs and flows with taking pain medication to control it, as well as some ice packs.
They, being the medical professionals, say it could be inflamed scar tissue from her surgery in Feb to remove the tumor and the lymph nodes feeding it. There were some issues from that surgery that prevented her from healing properly, which have been resolved, but how it has affected her, I am not sure. I hope soon that we get answers.
She's currently on leave from work to fight this. Her health, above all else, is the most important thing.
It's been very difficult for me. I feel so damn helpless at times, watching the woman I love suffer through this. The protector in me feels incredibly bad, as I feel that in some way, I have failed, even though it's not my fault. I have to be strong for her sake, as well as the kids. I know that in this time, men can cry, but I don't have the time. As soon as one thing is done, I have to being something else, be it laundry, getting Logan to bed, dishes, etc. I do have Holly to help, but I can only ask her to do so much.
Am I complaining? No, not really. I think this is more cathartic for me, getting this off my chest out to the world. There are times I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore all that is around me. In my situation, who wouldn't want to do that, and who would blame them?
In my life, I have always been positive, had a positive attitude, and tried to look for the best in any situation. It has been seriously tested over the past 25 months. I think I have been thrown so many curve balls, that I'm not surprised anymore by them.
I just came down from checking on her, and to see her in the pain she's in, really hurts me. Again, it's that very helpless position that I absolutely hate to be in. I curse myself for not being able to do anything, curse life for being in this position, and pretty much just curse everything. Doesn't make it right that I do that, and it's not who I am.
The one good thing I have in my life right now, are my friends and my co-workers. I do have an amazing support system that I can lean on when I have to. I try not to, being the macho man I am, but I'm grateful that it's there. You guys are the best, and thank you for being there.
As for how my kids are doing, and the like, I'll save that for another blog. I feel better typing out what I just did, even if it may not make sense to others.
The biggest thing is that Melissa's cancer has not gone away. In fact, it has spread. To her lungs. Nothing big, although she had another scan yesterday, and we find the results out tomorrow. She's currently on an experimental drug (some number, they don't give those drugs a name for some reason.), and has been for about 2 months now. Hopefully this scan will be some good news for us, as we could really use it. She's in almost constant pain, it ebbs and flows with taking pain medication to control it, as well as some ice packs.
They, being the medical professionals, say it could be inflamed scar tissue from her surgery in Feb to remove the tumor and the lymph nodes feeding it. There were some issues from that surgery that prevented her from healing properly, which have been resolved, but how it has affected her, I am not sure. I hope soon that we get answers.
She's currently on leave from work to fight this. Her health, above all else, is the most important thing.
It's been very difficult for me. I feel so damn helpless at times, watching the woman I love suffer through this. The protector in me feels incredibly bad, as I feel that in some way, I have failed, even though it's not my fault. I have to be strong for her sake, as well as the kids. I know that in this time, men can cry, but I don't have the time. As soon as one thing is done, I have to being something else, be it laundry, getting Logan to bed, dishes, etc. I do have Holly to help, but I can only ask her to do so much.
Am I complaining? No, not really. I think this is more cathartic for me, getting this off my chest out to the world. There are times I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore all that is around me. In my situation, who wouldn't want to do that, and who would blame them?
In my life, I have always been positive, had a positive attitude, and tried to look for the best in any situation. It has been seriously tested over the past 25 months. I think I have been thrown so many curve balls, that I'm not surprised anymore by them.
I just came down from checking on her, and to see her in the pain she's in, really hurts me. Again, it's that very helpless position that I absolutely hate to be in. I curse myself for not being able to do anything, curse life for being in this position, and pretty much just curse everything. Doesn't make it right that I do that, and it's not who I am.
The one good thing I have in my life right now, are my friends and my co-workers. I do have an amazing support system that I can lean on when I have to. I try not to, being the macho man I am, but I'm grateful that it's there. You guys are the best, and thank you for being there.
As for how my kids are doing, and the like, I'll save that for another blog. I feel better typing out what I just did, even if it may not make sense to others.
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