Every year, people make New Years Resolutions at this time. I tend to find these a bit boring, as most of them are broken within a week. But, with everything that has happened to me this year, I thought that I would do a few things different. So, without further ado, let's get to it...
1. I plan on getting more done, so I don't have as much stress in my life. I have a few things that are on my plate, that I need to at the very least, get moving forward. They may not happen all this year, which I'm okay with.
2. Communicate better. This has been something that I've had issues with others (still do). Now, this does NOT mean I will tell everyone everything. In fact, I should clarify that I will tell people what is needed, and nothing extra.
3. Focus much more on Logan. This is important, as he's in a critical phase of his development, in my opinion. Between his eating plan, and getting him transitioned to a regular school, it's critical I focus on him.
4. Enjoy Life and what it has to offer. This is important as well. Melissa would want this from me, and I plan on doing that.
I think these are do able. In fact, I can probably say that this time next year, I accomplished alot. Here is to 2012, which should be MUCH MUCH better than 2011
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Christmas Eve Eve
With Christmas being so close, I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone for keeping me going this year. This, without a doubt, has been the toughest year I have ever had. The end of the year is bringing some emotions to me, as this was Melissa's favorite time of year, for many different reasons.
The most important reason to her was family. She enjoyed having family around, especially during the holidays. It made her relaxed, and happy. It was especially important when she was(officially) diagnosed, which was 3 years ago today. While it was a huge blow to us, having her parents here helped with some of the blow. Sadly, her parents could not be here this year, as it would be hard for my Father in law to travel right now.
To say I haven't been crying, would be a lie. It's really hard this year to be happy at Christmas time. Christmas morning is going to be hell, to be blunt. Not having my best friend there to share our kids excitement on Christmas morning is going to be very hard. She lived for those moments, and those are some of the fondest moments I have with her. It's been hard, especially the past few days, as I've had more time to think about it, being on a break from work.
But it is her love and that voice in the back of my head, telling me it's okay, that she is in a better place now. She's able to enjoy Christmas now, instead of worrying about all the pain she was in. I know that she will be there Christmas morning, as she would want to be there to see the looks on the kids faces as they open their presents. To me, that is the best gift I could get this year.
There is a saying that you don't know what you've got, until it's gone. I knew what I had the moment I met her. I had a loving, caring woman that had a passion for life, family, and most of all, her children. She had, and still has, love for all four of our kids. She embraced my daughters as they were her own. She, to me, was the perfect mother. I had someone that brought me to a better place, and made me a better person and husband. She helped make the world a better place through her work at Step by Step Academy.
Melissa, I miss you. I love you. Nothing will ever change that. And thank you. Thank you for loving me, allowing me into your life for 14 years. Sharing the good and bad times. We had more than our share of ups and downs together. But I could not have asked for a better partner to navigate the rough seas of life with.
Merry Christmas, Melissa. I Love you
The most important reason to her was family. She enjoyed having family around, especially during the holidays. It made her relaxed, and happy. It was especially important when she was(officially) diagnosed, which was 3 years ago today. While it was a huge blow to us, having her parents here helped with some of the blow. Sadly, her parents could not be here this year, as it would be hard for my Father in law to travel right now.
To say I haven't been crying, would be a lie. It's really hard this year to be happy at Christmas time. Christmas morning is going to be hell, to be blunt. Not having my best friend there to share our kids excitement on Christmas morning is going to be very hard. She lived for those moments, and those are some of the fondest moments I have with her. It's been hard, especially the past few days, as I've had more time to think about it, being on a break from work.
But it is her love and that voice in the back of my head, telling me it's okay, that she is in a better place now. She's able to enjoy Christmas now, instead of worrying about all the pain she was in. I know that she will be there Christmas morning, as she would want to be there to see the looks on the kids faces as they open their presents. To me, that is the best gift I could get this year.
There is a saying that you don't know what you've got, until it's gone. I knew what I had the moment I met her. I had a loving, caring woman that had a passion for life, family, and most of all, her children. She had, and still has, love for all four of our kids. She embraced my daughters as they were her own. She, to me, was the perfect mother. I had someone that brought me to a better place, and made me a better person and husband. She helped make the world a better place through her work at Step by Step Academy.
Melissa, I miss you. I love you. Nothing will ever change that. And thank you. Thank you for loving me, allowing me into your life for 14 years. Sharing the good and bad times. We had more than our share of ups and downs together. But I could not have asked for a better partner to navigate the rough seas of life with.
Merry Christmas, Melissa. I Love you
Monday, December 12, 2011
Holiday Feelings.....
It's been awhile since I've written on here. I get so wrapped up in the day to day things that I forget about this. Yet right now, I need this.
I've been talking with people about the "year of firsts". That first birthday, anniversary, kid's birthdays without you. Right now, I've hit Thanksgiving, Logan's Birthday, and next is Megan's birthday, Christmas, then Holly's in January, then Shannon's 18th in March...all right in a row. It hit me hard today that you won't be there for them. This is your favorite time of year. You loved to bake cookies, and I so loved the smell of them when you did. I was your "taste tester" as my belly proves. It makes me sad sometimes when I come home now, and all I see is the kitchen empty, all the baking supplies still in the cabinet. It hits me hard that you are no longer with me.
Christmas morning is going to be the toughest morning I will have since you passed. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get up and be as joyful as in years past. I think back to the past Christmas mornings, and smile at them, as they were happy moments. This year, I hope it is. I hope that everyone understands if I'm not in that jolly mood, because I will be missing you alot that day.
I know that you will be there, watching. The only ornament I hung, was the angel one I found that looks so much like you. I cried so hard when I found that, knowing that you were here with me, watching over us. What I wouldn't give to hold you again.
I Love you Baby....
I've been talking with people about the "year of firsts". That first birthday, anniversary, kid's birthdays without you. Right now, I've hit Thanksgiving, Logan's Birthday, and next is Megan's birthday, Christmas, then Holly's in January, then Shannon's 18th in March...all right in a row. It hit me hard today that you won't be there for them. This is your favorite time of year. You loved to bake cookies, and I so loved the smell of them when you did. I was your "taste tester" as my belly proves. It makes me sad sometimes when I come home now, and all I see is the kitchen empty, all the baking supplies still in the cabinet. It hits me hard that you are no longer with me.
Christmas morning is going to be the toughest morning I will have since you passed. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get up and be as joyful as in years past. I think back to the past Christmas mornings, and smile at them, as they were happy moments. This year, I hope it is. I hope that everyone understands if I'm not in that jolly mood, because I will be missing you alot that day.
I know that you will be there, watching. The only ornament I hung, was the angel one I found that looks so much like you. I cried so hard when I found that, knowing that you were here with me, watching over us. What I wouldn't give to hold you again.
I Love you Baby....
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Changes..
As many of you know, Melissa passed away on May 27th around 8:30am. It was, and still is, a very painful thing for me to think about. That day will always be tough for me. Every year, at that time, I will probably break down and cry. I still do that. I almost did it when I came up the stairs the other day, when the memory of the last time she came up the stairs to go to bed came into my head. I'm fighting the tears now, typing this.
Melissa was much more than my wife. She was the mother of two of my kids, and mom to four. She embraced them from the start, as if they were her own. She was my best friend...someone that I could talk to about anything. She was probably the only person I could do that with, and may ever do that with. She was also my soul mate. I cannot say that strongly enough. We could look at each other, and know what each other was thinking. Did we have our disagreements...yes. Did we fight? Yes, but in the end, we loved each other, and we grew stronger together.
It's hard to think past the previous two and a half years. Ever since that night in the ER before the first colonoscopy that began the journey through the waters of a cancer patient. It made me question everything at first. I felt lost. But it was Melissa, who was going through the surgeries to put in the port, chemo every two weeks, scans, radiation, trials and even another surgery to remove the original tumors, that kept me positive, and hopeful that she would be around for a long time. My optimism was tested, but was returned to me by Melissa. I broke down more over the past two years than I ever have previous to Dec 2008, when she got the diagnosis. But it was Melissa that kept me hopeful. Each time we went to chemo, and she said she would "Kick Cancer's Ass". I smiled, and told her that I knew she would. And she put up one hell of a fight.
I love her. And I always will. No one will ever be able to fill my heart with love like she did. Even at the end, she gave me hope. She gave me confidence in myself to move on. But most of all, she gave me love. A love that I will always have in my heart. When she left, it wasn't good bye. I always feel her presence. I feel positive that she is happy with where I am at in my life now. Everyday, I look up to the sky, and smile. I tell her I love you. And I do. Always and forever.
My kids. The worst thing in the world, is to tell a child, especially your own, that your mom is not going to make it. That she is dying. The worst thing I've ever done in my wife was tell my son that mommy wasn't going to be with us much longer. The look on his face will never leave my thoughts. To tell your daughter that her mother is gone....to see the sadness in her eyes, broke my heart.
Holli - I will always love you. No matter what happens in the future. I know that you needed a fresh start, given the hell you went through here. I wish I could have you here with Logan and I. But I know that you need this. Just know that I will support you no matter what...I miss you and Love you.
Shannon - My oldest. You have been so strong through all of this. I appreciate your support, strength and understanding through everything these past three month. We may not always agree (no surprise because you are 17), but I love you still. And I always will. I remember all the fun times we have had. You are much more grown up than your age shows as well. I really enjoy the talks we have, similar to the ones you and Melissa had. I may not have always been part of them, but I listened.
Megan - My youngest daughter. You are me in female form, which is kinda scary. But when you went up to talk about Melissa at her Celebration, that really opened my eyes to who you really are. Very strong, and you believe in yourself. I know Melissa was smiling when you spoke. She, as I do, love you very much. I know I don't say it much, but I do love you. I do appreciate you. More than maybe you'll ever know.
Logan - My little man. You may not ever read this, but it doesn't matter. You have been the strongest little boy I have ever seen. You want to be strong for me, and I want to be strong for you. We never let each other see tears. Yet, I hear about how you talk about mommy all the time, and smile while doing it. Sometimes you cry, but mostly smile. But you are strong. Right now, it's just you and me, on this adventure know as life. I love you, big guy.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I've been through so many changes in my life over the past year. The past three and a half months especially. I don't expect those changes to stop anytime soon. Some are good, some bad. But you have to take the good with the bad. Life is much more precious now. I am also learning to seize the moment, as if you don't, things may pass you by and you'll miss out on the good things and people that could change your life. I learned that from Melissa. And I know she would be proud.
Melissa Lee Fraize-Morris. I love you. You will always be my wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Like I said, no one will take your place in my life. This song says what I feel. I miss you, baby.
Song for Melissa
Melissa was much more than my wife. She was the mother of two of my kids, and mom to four. She embraced them from the start, as if they were her own. She was my best friend...someone that I could talk to about anything. She was probably the only person I could do that with, and may ever do that with. She was also my soul mate. I cannot say that strongly enough. We could look at each other, and know what each other was thinking. Did we have our disagreements...yes. Did we fight? Yes, but in the end, we loved each other, and we grew stronger together.
It's hard to think past the previous two and a half years. Ever since that night in the ER before the first colonoscopy that began the journey through the waters of a cancer patient. It made me question everything at first. I felt lost. But it was Melissa, who was going through the surgeries to put in the port, chemo every two weeks, scans, radiation, trials and even another surgery to remove the original tumors, that kept me positive, and hopeful that she would be around for a long time. My optimism was tested, but was returned to me by Melissa. I broke down more over the past two years than I ever have previous to Dec 2008, when she got the diagnosis. But it was Melissa that kept me hopeful. Each time we went to chemo, and she said she would "Kick Cancer's Ass". I smiled, and told her that I knew she would. And she put up one hell of a fight.
I love her. And I always will. No one will ever be able to fill my heart with love like she did. Even at the end, she gave me hope. She gave me confidence in myself to move on. But most of all, she gave me love. A love that I will always have in my heart. When she left, it wasn't good bye. I always feel her presence. I feel positive that she is happy with where I am at in my life now. Everyday, I look up to the sky, and smile. I tell her I love you. And I do. Always and forever.
My kids. The worst thing in the world, is to tell a child, especially your own, that your mom is not going to make it. That she is dying. The worst thing I've ever done in my wife was tell my son that mommy wasn't going to be with us much longer. The look on his face will never leave my thoughts. To tell your daughter that her mother is gone....to see the sadness in her eyes, broke my heart.
Holli - I will always love you. No matter what happens in the future. I know that you needed a fresh start, given the hell you went through here. I wish I could have you here with Logan and I. But I know that you need this. Just know that I will support you no matter what...I miss you and Love you.
Shannon - My oldest. You have been so strong through all of this. I appreciate your support, strength and understanding through everything these past three month. We may not always agree (no surprise because you are 17), but I love you still. And I always will. I remember all the fun times we have had. You are much more grown up than your age shows as well. I really enjoy the talks we have, similar to the ones you and Melissa had. I may not have always been part of them, but I listened.
Megan - My youngest daughter. You are me in female form, which is kinda scary. But when you went up to talk about Melissa at her Celebration, that really opened my eyes to who you really are. Very strong, and you believe in yourself. I know Melissa was smiling when you spoke. She, as I do, love you very much. I know I don't say it much, but I do love you. I do appreciate you. More than maybe you'll ever know.
Logan - My little man. You may not ever read this, but it doesn't matter. You have been the strongest little boy I have ever seen. You want to be strong for me, and I want to be strong for you. We never let each other see tears. Yet, I hear about how you talk about mommy all the time, and smile while doing it. Sometimes you cry, but mostly smile. But you are strong. Right now, it's just you and me, on this adventure know as life. I love you, big guy.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
I've been through so many changes in my life over the past year. The past three and a half months especially. I don't expect those changes to stop anytime soon. Some are good, some bad. But you have to take the good with the bad. Life is much more precious now. I am also learning to seize the moment, as if you don't, things may pass you by and you'll miss out on the good things and people that could change your life. I learned that from Melissa. And I know she would be proud.
Melissa Lee Fraize-Morris. I love you. You will always be my wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Like I said, no one will take your place in my life. This song says what I feel. I miss you, baby.
Song for Melissa
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Update
Went to the Dr yesterday. Mixed news, I think
She's off the trial treatment. It wasn't working for her, and in fact the tumors on the liver have grown in size. The spots on her lungs grew a bit, but it didn't seem like the doctor was overly concerned about them, but keeping watch. Honestly, when I heard this, my heart sank, and I began to feel sorry for myself and the situation. I try not to do that, but I couldn't control it.
We do have options, which one of them we will be exploring tomorrow afternoon. It may be a radiation treatment for her, but we'll see what this doctor says to us tomorrow. I was glad to hear that the doctor said we have some options. This brought me very quickly out of the self pity party I was having.
Admittedly, I am having trouble wrapping my head around all of this. It's been more than 24 hours, and I'm still trying to absorb it. Is this another mountain to climb? Will it lead to a better place, or will we find the valley again? Time will tell, I suppose.
This topped off an already crazy week. I need this weekend more than ever this week. And I'm looking forward to seeing my brother in law next week....That'll be just the thing I need to cheer up Melissa, and myself....
She's off the trial treatment. It wasn't working for her, and in fact the tumors on the liver have grown in size. The spots on her lungs grew a bit, but it didn't seem like the doctor was overly concerned about them, but keeping watch. Honestly, when I heard this, my heart sank, and I began to feel sorry for myself and the situation. I try not to do that, but I couldn't control it.
We do have options, which one of them we will be exploring tomorrow afternoon. It may be a radiation treatment for her, but we'll see what this doctor says to us tomorrow. I was glad to hear that the doctor said we have some options. This brought me very quickly out of the self pity party I was having.
Admittedly, I am having trouble wrapping my head around all of this. It's been more than 24 hours, and I'm still trying to absorb it. Is this another mountain to climb? Will it lead to a better place, or will we find the valley again? Time will tell, I suppose.
This topped off an already crazy week. I need this weekend more than ever this week. And I'm looking forward to seeing my brother in law next week....That'll be just the thing I need to cheer up Melissa, and myself....
Monday, January 24, 2011
It's how you deal, is what makes you who you are..
Wow... I guess that I need to be more forthcoming with my blogging. Been a year and a half since I last blogged (Melissa and I's 10th anniversary). ALOT has happened since then. Some good, some bad...It's been a long road...and still traveling it....
The biggest thing is that Melissa's cancer has not gone away. In fact, it has spread. To her lungs. Nothing big, although she had another scan yesterday, and we find the results out tomorrow. She's currently on an experimental drug (some number, they don't give those drugs a name for some reason.), and has been for about 2 months now. Hopefully this scan will be some good news for us, as we could really use it. She's in almost constant pain, it ebbs and flows with taking pain medication to control it, as well as some ice packs.
They, being the medical professionals, say it could be inflamed scar tissue from her surgery in Feb to remove the tumor and the lymph nodes feeding it. There were some issues from that surgery that prevented her from healing properly, which have been resolved, but how it has affected her, I am not sure. I hope soon that we get answers.
She's currently on leave from work to fight this. Her health, above all else, is the most important thing.
It's been very difficult for me. I feel so damn helpless at times, watching the woman I love suffer through this. The protector in me feels incredibly bad, as I feel that in some way, I have failed, even though it's not my fault. I have to be strong for her sake, as well as the kids. I know that in this time, men can cry, but I don't have the time. As soon as one thing is done, I have to being something else, be it laundry, getting Logan to bed, dishes, etc. I do have Holly to help, but I can only ask her to do so much.
Am I complaining? No, not really. I think this is more cathartic for me, getting this off my chest out to the world. There are times I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore all that is around me. In my situation, who wouldn't want to do that, and who would blame them?
In my life, I have always been positive, had a positive attitude, and tried to look for the best in any situation. It has been seriously tested over the past 25 months. I think I have been thrown so many curve balls, that I'm not surprised anymore by them.
I just came down from checking on her, and to see her in the pain she's in, really hurts me. Again, it's that very helpless position that I absolutely hate to be in. I curse myself for not being able to do anything, curse life for being in this position, and pretty much just curse everything. Doesn't make it right that I do that, and it's not who I am.
The one good thing I have in my life right now, are my friends and my co-workers. I do have an amazing support system that I can lean on when I have to. I try not to, being the macho man I am, but I'm grateful that it's there. You guys are the best, and thank you for being there.
As for how my kids are doing, and the like, I'll save that for another blog. I feel better typing out what I just did, even if it may not make sense to others.
The biggest thing is that Melissa's cancer has not gone away. In fact, it has spread. To her lungs. Nothing big, although she had another scan yesterday, and we find the results out tomorrow. She's currently on an experimental drug (some number, they don't give those drugs a name for some reason.), and has been for about 2 months now. Hopefully this scan will be some good news for us, as we could really use it. She's in almost constant pain, it ebbs and flows with taking pain medication to control it, as well as some ice packs.
They, being the medical professionals, say it could be inflamed scar tissue from her surgery in Feb to remove the tumor and the lymph nodes feeding it. There were some issues from that surgery that prevented her from healing properly, which have been resolved, but how it has affected her, I am not sure. I hope soon that we get answers.
She's currently on leave from work to fight this. Her health, above all else, is the most important thing.
It's been very difficult for me. I feel so damn helpless at times, watching the woman I love suffer through this. The protector in me feels incredibly bad, as I feel that in some way, I have failed, even though it's not my fault. I have to be strong for her sake, as well as the kids. I know that in this time, men can cry, but I don't have the time. As soon as one thing is done, I have to being something else, be it laundry, getting Logan to bed, dishes, etc. I do have Holly to help, but I can only ask her to do so much.
Am I complaining? No, not really. I think this is more cathartic for me, getting this off my chest out to the world. There are times I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore all that is around me. In my situation, who wouldn't want to do that, and who would blame them?
In my life, I have always been positive, had a positive attitude, and tried to look for the best in any situation. It has been seriously tested over the past 25 months. I think I have been thrown so many curve balls, that I'm not surprised anymore by them.
I just came down from checking on her, and to see her in the pain she's in, really hurts me. Again, it's that very helpless position that I absolutely hate to be in. I curse myself for not being able to do anything, curse life for being in this position, and pretty much just curse everything. Doesn't make it right that I do that, and it's not who I am.
The one good thing I have in my life right now, are my friends and my co-workers. I do have an amazing support system that I can lean on when I have to. I try not to, being the macho man I am, but I'm grateful that it's there. You guys are the best, and thank you for being there.
As for how my kids are doing, and the like, I'll save that for another blog. I feel better typing out what I just did, even if it may not make sense to others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)