In Memory of Melissa Fraize-Morris

Friday, May 27^th,  2011 8:37am

That date and time will be with me forever. This was the date and time that my angel, Melissa Lee Fraize-Morris, passed away.  She passed away in Chelmsford, Ma. Her father and I were with her when she passed. My name was the last thing she ever said. I just remember holding her tight, not wanting her to go.

 In my life, I’ve never felt such pain. Watching someone you love suffers through such pain, and not being able to do anything about it, it is painful. What was a strong, loving, passionate woman, isn’t there anymore. But she fought it. Fought it to the bitter end.

When I met Melissa, I sensed in her that strength.  I immediately fell in love with that. She did remind me of an angel. One of her favorite paintings is Cupid's Kiss by E M Munier. That same angel is what is on our  wedding invitations. She was my angel. She pulled me up from a down time in my life, and made me happy again. I never thought I would be that way.

She went through her own down times before she met me. She understood what emotional state I was in, although it was more anger than depression. She made me see that there was more to life than those emotions. She made me happy. Happier than I had ever been.

To say that we knew right away, was an understatement. We were so connected. All I wanted to do was spend time with her. The first job I got was as a pizza shop manager. Not the most glamorous job there is, but I needed money. I worked long hours. She had a normal 9-5 job. It was hard at times, but we found time to see each other.

We got engaged on December 27^th, 1997. I can’t say it was very romantic how it happened. In fact, we were at the mall just walking by the jewelry store. We had talked about it previously, but we just talked about it. We just said, let’s go look. As we looked at the rings, I told her that I did want to marry her. It just felt right. I knew, in my heart, that she was the one that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

We got married on August 14^th, 1999 in N. Billerica, Ma, at the North Billerica Baptist Church. I remember it was hot that day. The pastor who married us gave me only one napkin to wipe off the flood of sweat that was dripping down my forehead. When she walked down that aisle, the only thing I saw was her. Not our friends and family, not her dad, just her. I was just memorized by how beautiful she was that day. I can still remember how she looked. Our wedding photo of us in her parent’s backyard is, to this day, my favorite picture of us. It captures her beauty like no other picture I have.

To say that we had our ups and downs would be an understatement. But through it all, we had each other. We loved each other no matter what came at us. We always figured out how to get through things, even if it meant some sacrifice. We loved each other that much.

One of the best memories I have was on November 25^th, 2002. That is when our son, Logan, was born. We spent 15 hours in that hospital that day. She was due the week before, but they gave her to that day, which was a Monday, in which they induced her. We started at 7am. She finally went into labor later that afternoon, around 5pm I think. We were told it may be some time before anything really happened. About 9:30pm or so, my father-in-law and I decided to go out to the lobby to watch some Monday Night Football. Just was we got settled in and comfortable, the nurse ran into the lobby and told us that she was ready to deliver. We ran into the room, and I rushed to her side, with her mom on the other side. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when Logan was born, the emotion I shared with Melissa that evening. Nothing else mattered to us that night other than having our son.

When we moved to Ohio, things started looking better. We had a house that was ours, a car that was ours. We struggled a bit though at first, but got on track, and never looked back. All four kids could play together, get to know each other, other than once or twice a year visits. Her parents came to visit two or three times a year. It was a perfect thing.

When Logan was diagnosed with Autism, our world changed. All the focus went to him. Melissa didn’t work at the time, so she called, wrote, harassed anyone who would listen just so we could get an assessment, diagnosis, and a course of action. Her efforts paid off when he started Step by Step Academy in June of 2007. He started improving almost immediately, and we thought that we had dodged another bullet.

In fall of that year, the state was proposing changes that would cut all funding for children with Autism, which would effectively shut down Step by Step.  Along with other parents, Melissa and I worked every avenue we could to get attention on this issue. We managed to even get on the local news as one of the top stories. This was a long process that ended in June of 2008, when the state finally rescinded the rule change. It was shortly after that, that Melissa got hired on at Step by Step. I followed close behind as a contractor, then later on as an employee. We loved to work there, as it was more like a passion than just a job. We loved, and still love, going to work everyday, knowing that you have some small part in making a difference in a child’s life.

Our happiness was shattered on Dec 23 of that year. That was the day that Melissa was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer. It has advanced into her liver as well, as they said it looked like swiss cheese. This began a long, long journey. There were so many up and downs. The first surgery to implant the port in her chest. The biopsy on her liver where I passed out while the doctor went into great detail explaining it. That first chemo were she started to throw up when she was home, and ended up in the emergency room, and then admitted to the hospital. The surgery the following year. The long recovery from that surgery when the wound got infected.

The two and a half years that she had cancer were an emotional roller coaster for me, as I’m sure it was moreso for her. But we rode it together. I was determined to keep her spirits up no matter what. It was hard to see my angel in so much pain. I did what I could to keep her mind off of it.

When we got the news in May of last year, my heart sank. As I posted earlier, I was in a complete state of shock, and sadness. Melissa was as well, but we were determined to make the best of it, for the sake of the kids. We wanted to do things with them so that they would have the memories. Alas, that wasn’t meant to be.

One bright spot in those weeks between getting the news, and her passing, was the efforts of my co-workers. They came over on a Saturday and helped with getting our gardening done. Trimming bushes, planting some flowers on the side of the house, helping assemble my canopy and creating a firepit area in the backyard. It was an awesome thing that I will always treasure.

On that same day, one of the hospice nurses came to check on her. She pulled me aside to give me an update. I asked her if she would re-gain any strength, even if for a short time. She said no, and said she may have a month left, if that. It was at that moment, that I realized that she wouldn’t be with us another week. Maybe it was intuition, maybe it was something else, but it was then. With everyone there, I had to hold back my tears, being a “man”. Once they left, I let loose. It was just a sad time.

That night, Melissa and I had a discussion about a lot of things. The kids, us, me, the house, and life. It was a hard discussion to have with her, knowing that she was slipping away.

Two weeks after we go the news, we got things together to go to Massachusetts. Her brother, uncle, and a close family friend drove down to Ohio. I also had to tell my then eight year old that we were going to Massachusetts, but mommy wasn’t coming back. That was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do in my life. Sitting across from him at Burger King, seeing the sadness in his eyes, is something that will forever be burned in my memory. When we got home, he hugged Melissa so tight

.

The next day, we drove to Mass. I was so worried that we wouldn’t make it up there. We did, and I attribute that to her willpower, and desire to see friends and family one last time. The day she spent with her childhood friends, and a few other close friends, was just awesome to see. I felt so happy that she was able to see them one last time, but also sad at the same time.

We moved to a hotel that was setup for us by a really close family friend. That night, her friends came back over and took her around in her wheelchair, just remincing about the past, and all the fun they had when they were younger. It was bittersweet when they left, as I knew it was going to be the last time they saw her. Melissa told me it was good to see them.

Then there was the next morning. It will forever be burned in my mind all the events of that morning. But there was one thing that stood out to me later that morning. We were going to the funeral home that I had chosen, which was the one that her grandmother used when her grandfather passed away, and honestly the only one I knew of. We were going to do the final arrangements with them.  It was a beautiful day, and as I went to step into the funeral home, I felt a breeze. I knew that it was Melissa. She was telling me that it was alright now. That she wasn’t in pain, and that it was alright. I said that to her mom, who was with me. I felt a sense of peace at that time.

In the year that she has been gone, a few things have happened in my life. I fully believe that Melissa has had a hand in all of them in some capacity. Her capacity to love and help is still there.

Melissa, I’ve been without you for the past year. It has been a hard year for me. I may never know the why. I’m not sure I want to know. I do know that I love you. I always have and I always will. Logan loves you with all his heart. Holli loves you, Shannyn loves you, and Megan loves you. I think about you everyday, and look up to you everyday. You are my angel, always have been and always will be. I know you are smiling down on us, and I hope I’ve done you proud with Logan.

I love you, baby.

Upcoming week

Over the course of the next week, it is going to be a very emotional week for me. As I've posted over the past few weeks, it should be obvious to most people why. If not, well....you really need to stop and think.

Anyway, I've been thinking quite a bit about things over the past couple weeks, and how I want to deal with some things. But I had a light bulb going off moment yesterday. I'm not going to stress over things that may or may not happen. I will deal with them as they happen. 

But, let this serve as a warning. I will not be taken advantage of, even in my emotional state. In the past, some have been successful. Certain people may even try to do it in the very near future. I put emphasis on try. They have said and done things in contrary in the past to what I know to be true. They may or may not know who they are.

To quote the latest cute saying "Come at me, bro"

Yesterday and Tomorrow

Yesterday, I made a post on Facebook about how it was going to be a rough day for me. It was a bit rough at times, so maybe I need to explain a bit.

One year ago yesterday, I found out that I was losing my best friend, my soul mate, my wife. Nothing in your life can prepare you for hearing that, no matter what facts you are faced with. It is one of those things that you get punched in the gut with, and when I heard those words "There is nothing we can do for you", I felt like Mike Tyson had punched me in the gut.

After he said that, he left the room. Both of us were upset. We knew, without saying a word, what was going through each others minds. I was heartbroken moreso that I had ever been. I've lost family members, and I've been sad. But to be in the room to be told you are losing a best friend, a soulmate, a wife, the mother of your kids. That takes it to a whole new level.

Melissa started talking about either renting a van, or getting a new one, and taking the kids on day trips. Hershey, Pa, up to Put in Bay, Amish Country were all discussed before the doctor came back. He started talking to us about Hospice, and how they would be in contact with us. After that, it's all a blur. I remember bringing her home, talking for a few minutes. I asked her if I should go back to work. She responded that I should, as she was just going to get some sleep.

I wish I would have stayed home. But she was right. All I would do is mope and become emotional. So, I went to work to mope and be even more emotional. The first person I ran into when I got there was my HR Director. I must admit, it took a whole hell of alot of willpower to keep from crying. When I told her, she quickly got me in with my boss, and the Executive Director. I told them, "There is nothing they can do for her", and just broke down. I remember my boss and my Executive Director hugging me, and the Director crying. I was told to go home by someone shortly after (probably the HR Director), but I refused. I wish I didn't do that. I wished I would have went home to be with her. For that Melissa, I am sorry.

I wish that Melissa and I could have done some of the things we talked about in the doctors office. We both wanted the kids to have positive memories of family time, and just enjoying each other. I wish we could have forseen how quickly things happened.

With tomorrow being mother's day, I've been wracking my brain to see how, or if, I celebrate it with Logan. I still am. Logan, like me, still gets emotional about her. He is more likely to not cry, unlike me, but I know the pain is there inside him. He just keeps it in a box on a shelf. Sometimes, having autism is a good thing.

I just wish I knew what the right answer is in how to handle tomorrow. I don't even know if there is a right answer. I just hope, no matter what I do, that Melissa knows how much she is loved by her son and her three daughters. They all looked up to her. They all miss her just as much as I do.

Melissa, Happy Mother's Day.  I Love You. Logan Loves you. Shannon Loves you. Holli Loves you. Megan Loves you.

Memories

It's been awhile since I've posted, and to be honest, it's been a bit hard. Memories have been flooding back to me of all the time I was with Melissa. I look at something in the house, I think of her. I go to make a change to something, I wonder what she would have done. That is what fourteen years with someone does to you.

It's been almost a year now since she left us. I'm still saddened by it. Still cry. I sometimes stop when I go to leave the house, and think of the last time she saw the house. The home we built together. It's still hurts when I think about the last conversation we had about the house, the kids, and us. I just remember praying that somehow, someway, it would all get better. I could have even been begging for that, for all I know.

I also remember Darrell. He came up for the weekend of Mother's Day for a visit. I just remember being so grateful for that. Melissa was excited to see him, as she always was. I always admired their relationship, and the love they had for one another. In some ways, I was jealous of that, as I was an only child, except for one day. When Melissa was diagnosed, they became even closer, and it was at the point, when he came to visit a short time later, I realized that I since I met Melissa, I had a brother. I always looked forward to seeing him after I first met him back in August of 1997.

I remember that day. I was visiting Melissa, and Darrell and his then wife came down from upstate New Hampshire, where they lived, to visit while I was there. I remember playing cards, playing with some toys pretending they were professional wrestlers, even mimicking their catchphrases, etc. It was such a great time. That day left such an impression on me.

The Christmas that Darrell and his family came down, was especially memorable. Mostly, for the painting that he did for her. He did it at a conference or something like that. If memory serves, he was supposed to paint something that was a symbol of something. About that time, we did get some good news about Melissa, that the cancer in her liver was shrinking. He painted a door, complete with a door frame. I just remember him getting emotional telling Melissa about it, and Melissa crying. We had the best Christmas that year. That painting was hung by our bed, and is still hanging. I see it everyday. That painting means alot to me.

Darrell, I'm so honored to know you, and call you my brother. I'm so grateful to have known, and been married to your sister for 14 years. Thank you for all the memories we made together, and the ones in the future, that I know we will have.

Our Daughter, Holli, is participating in a Relay for Life at the Venice airport in Venice, Florida. I'm very proud of her for doing that. I'm sure, like me, she misses her mom very much. I miss Holli very much. I miss having my family altogether. I'll never know why things had to be this way, but I sure hope it's all for the good.

So many things have gone through my mind over the past couple weeks. Emotions are getting a little hard to control lately. My thoughts keep wandering to the last few weeks. It's been harder and harder to stay happy the past few weeks, as I am sure that it will get even harder as this month progresses. I've been trying to stay busy, occupy my time so I don't stop and think, but it never helps. Too often, I just wander off into that zone, thinking what I could have done, or how much I miss her, or something else that just freezes me up.

As that day gets closer, and with Mother's day, and all of the bad days that followed, it will get harder. I know this, and I'm not going to run away from it, and curl up in a ball and hope for the best. I'm just going to move forward, taking what comes as best I can. Will I cry? Of course I will. I'm human, and I know this, despite my best efforts to show otherwise. I've never been one to run away from what life throws at me.