Changes

Life can be a funny thing. You don't blog for a could months, things change. Case in point, Logan.

Logan has graduated from Step by Step. He is attending Devonshire Alternative Elementary. I initially wanted to get him into Avalon, but that was not meant to be at this time. I may still get him in there next year, in the ECLIPSE program, which is gifted and talented on steroids. So far, he is doing great, and I'm very happy about that. I'm sure Melissa is smiling down as well, knowing our boy is doing well, and making friends.


The first picture are some of the people who have been involved in his life at SBSA for the past five years. Derek, his old respite worker, in on the far left.

Another thing was that we lost our respite worker, Derek. He was such a part of this family. I can't thank him enough for everything he did in the past year. The change in Logan has been nothing short of incredible since Derek started with Logan. He went to Chicago to get his masters, as he wants to work with children with cancer and their families. It takes a special person to do that, and I think he can make a world a little bit better.

Going forward, other things will change, and time will reveal those changes in my life. I'm in a good place right now, and just happy as hell to have some awesome people in my life to talk to, lean on, and just plain have fun with and allow me to be myself.

37

Melissa would have been 37 years old today.

I woke up this morning, and I felt happy. I wasn't sad, or crying, or anything of that nature. Just happy. With today being her birthday, I just thought I would be emotional. But I work up happy. The reason was, that I was thinking of all of the birthdays I got to spend with her. All of the memories that those brought to me.

I happy for the time I got with her. For the things we did together. The son and daughter that she gave us. This is part of her legacy. In my opinion, the best part of her.

Melissa, Happy Birthday. I miss you, as do so many others. I love you.

Letting Go

Letting go is a part of life. Letting go of your childhood, your youth, your car, or that pen that got you through college. These are all examples of letting go.

Letting go of a person seems to be one of the most difficult things to do. When my grandfather passed a few years ago, I had some issues with that. I had a hard time letting go, as I didn't get to spend the time with him that I felt I should have. I finally let go, thinking about all of the great times we had while we had the chance. I'll never forget the time that I went to vote in the 1992 election. There was a long line, and I just got in line behind this older couple. After a few minutes, the husband turned around, and it was my grandfather. I hadn't seen him in a few years. I remember the smile he had on his face when he realized it was me. He told me how proud he was, to see that I was voting. We had a nice conversation, we voted, and went on our merry way. It was at his wake, when my aunt told me how proud he was that I was voting, taking part in the process, and he saw my name in the election logs when he went to vote every year.  I miss him very much.

Melissa helped me finally let go, and take comfort in the memories I did have with him. She was my rock at the time, and helped me through. That is something that always made me smile and take comfort.

I've learned to let somethings go with regards to Melissa. It's been a slow process for me. The first thing I had to let go of, was her. I had to do that the day she passed. It took all the willpower and strength that I had  for me not to completely break down at the moment they took her body. If there is one thing that will always be burned in my mind, is that moment. It was the last time I ever saw her. I told her even then, that I loved her.

One thing that I will never let go of is the love we had. I consider myself lucky that I had such a beautiful, smart, passionate person for a wife. I had a soulmate. Someone I could trust. I still do. She will forever be the light of my life.

I'll never let her go 100%. There is always that voice in the back of my mind that makes me think about things. To consider them, and weigh them all. But that same voice it tell me to go forward. Live Life. Enjoy it while I still have it. And I plan to. I have some very special people in my life that I plan to enjoy it with. To do that, I have to start letting go and moving forward. Melissa would want that for me.

One of the special people in my life is my son, Logan. He is my focus. My mini-me, as some would say. I love him more than I can ever express into words. He has taught me that it's okay to move on. To be happy. And I've been happy. Happier than I thought I would be at this point.

To all my friends, and you know who you are, you must be thanked as well. The support, the good times we've had over the past year plus, and the ones that we are going to have in the future have helped me more than words can express. Your understanding and love will never ever be forgotten.

I am hoping to have more uplifting blogs in the future. Most who know me, know that I am usually happy, joking (or sarcastic, which I'm very fluent in), and just plain upbeat. And I've been like that a lot lately. Because of special people. Those who actually care. And I smile about that, as I know that Melissa has helped out with that as well.

In Memory of Melissa Fraize-Morris

Friday, May 27^th,  2011 8:37am

That date and time will be with me forever. This was the date and time that my angel, Melissa Lee Fraize-Morris, passed away.  She passed away in Chelmsford, Ma. Her father and I were with her when she passed. My name was the last thing she ever said. I just remember holding her tight, not wanting her to go.

 In my life, I’ve never felt such pain. Watching someone you love suffers through such pain, and not being able to do anything about it, it is painful. What was a strong, loving, passionate woman, isn’t there anymore. But she fought it. Fought it to the bitter end.

When I met Melissa, I sensed in her that strength.  I immediately fell in love with that. She did remind me of an angel. One of her favorite paintings is Cupid's Kiss by E M Munier. That same angel is what is on our  wedding invitations. She was my angel. She pulled me up from a down time in my life, and made me happy again. I never thought I would be that way.

She went through her own down times before she met me. She understood what emotional state I was in, although it was more anger than depression. She made me see that there was more to life than those emotions. She made me happy. Happier than I had ever been.

To say that we knew right away, was an understatement. We were so connected. All I wanted to do was spend time with her. The first job I got was as a pizza shop manager. Not the most glamorous job there is, but I needed money. I worked long hours. She had a normal 9-5 job. It was hard at times, but we found time to see each other.

We got engaged on December 27^th, 1997. I can’t say it was very romantic how it happened. In fact, we were at the mall just walking by the jewelry store. We had talked about it previously, but we just talked about it. We just said, let’s go look. As we looked at the rings, I told her that I did want to marry her. It just felt right. I knew, in my heart, that she was the one that I was meant to spend the rest of my life with.

We got married on August 14^th, 1999 in N. Billerica, Ma, at the North Billerica Baptist Church. I remember it was hot that day. The pastor who married us gave me only one napkin to wipe off the flood of sweat that was dripping down my forehead. When she walked down that aisle, the only thing I saw was her. Not our friends and family, not her dad, just her. I was just memorized by how beautiful she was that day. I can still remember how she looked. Our wedding photo of us in her parent’s backyard is, to this day, my favorite picture of us. It captures her beauty like no other picture I have.

To say that we had our ups and downs would be an understatement. But through it all, we had each other. We loved each other no matter what came at us. We always figured out how to get through things, even if it meant some sacrifice. We loved each other that much.

One of the best memories I have was on November 25^th, 2002. That is when our son, Logan, was born. We spent 15 hours in that hospital that day. She was due the week before, but they gave her to that day, which was a Monday, in which they induced her. We started at 7am. She finally went into labor later that afternoon, around 5pm I think. We were told it may be some time before anything really happened. About 9:30pm or so, my father-in-law and I decided to go out to the lobby to watch some Monday Night Football. Just was we got settled in and comfortable, the nurse ran into the lobby and told us that she was ready to deliver. We ran into the room, and I rushed to her side, with her mom on the other side. I’ll never forget the feeling I had when Logan was born, the emotion I shared with Melissa that evening. Nothing else mattered to us that night other than having our son.

When we moved to Ohio, things started looking better. We had a house that was ours, a car that was ours. We struggled a bit though at first, but got on track, and never looked back. All four kids could play together, get to know each other, other than once or twice a year visits. Her parents came to visit two or three times a year. It was a perfect thing.

When Logan was diagnosed with Autism, our world changed. All the focus went to him. Melissa didn’t work at the time, so she called, wrote, harassed anyone who would listen just so we could get an assessment, diagnosis, and a course of action. Her efforts paid off when he started Step by Step Academy in June of 2007. He started improving almost immediately, and we thought that we had dodged another bullet.

In fall of that year, the state was proposing changes that would cut all funding for children with Autism, which would effectively shut down Step by Step.  Along with other parents, Melissa and I worked every avenue we could to get attention on this issue. We managed to even get on the local news as one of the top stories. This was a long process that ended in June of 2008, when the state finally rescinded the rule change. It was shortly after that, that Melissa got hired on at Step by Step. I followed close behind as a contractor, then later on as an employee. We loved to work there, as it was more like a passion than just a job. We loved, and still love, going to work everyday, knowing that you have some small part in making a difference in a child’s life.

Our happiness was shattered on Dec 23 of that year. That was the day that Melissa was diagnosed with Stage IV colorectal cancer. It has advanced into her liver as well, as they said it looked like swiss cheese. This began a long, long journey. There were so many up and downs. The first surgery to implant the port in her chest. The biopsy on her liver where I passed out while the doctor went into great detail explaining it. That first chemo were she started to throw up when she was home, and ended up in the emergency room, and then admitted to the hospital. The surgery the following year. The long recovery from that surgery when the wound got infected.

The two and a half years that she had cancer were an emotional roller coaster for me, as I’m sure it was moreso for her. But we rode it together. I was determined to keep her spirits up no matter what. It was hard to see my angel in so much pain. I did what I could to keep her mind off of it.

When we got the news in May of last year, my heart sank. As I posted earlier, I was in a complete state of shock, and sadness. Melissa was as well, but we were determined to make the best of it, for the sake of the kids. We wanted to do things with them so that they would have the memories. Alas, that wasn’t meant to be.

One bright spot in those weeks between getting the news, and her passing, was the efforts of my co-workers. They came over on a Saturday and helped with getting our gardening done. Trimming bushes, planting some flowers on the side of the house, helping assemble my canopy and creating a firepit area in the backyard. It was an awesome thing that I will always treasure.

On that same day, one of the hospice nurses came to check on her. She pulled me aside to give me an update. I asked her if she would re-gain any strength, even if for a short time. She said no, and said she may have a month left, if that. It was at that moment, that I realized that she wouldn’t be with us another week. Maybe it was intuition, maybe it was something else, but it was then. With everyone there, I had to hold back my tears, being a “man”. Once they left, I let loose. It was just a sad time.

That night, Melissa and I had a discussion about a lot of things. The kids, us, me, the house, and life. It was a hard discussion to have with her, knowing that she was slipping away.

Two weeks after we go the news, we got things together to go to Massachusetts. Her brother, uncle, and a close family friend drove down to Ohio. I also had to tell my then eight year old that we were going to Massachusetts, but mommy wasn’t coming back. That was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do in my life. Sitting across from him at Burger King, seeing the sadness in his eyes, is something that will forever be burned in my memory. When we got home, he hugged Melissa so tight

.

The next day, we drove to Mass. I was so worried that we wouldn’t make it up there. We did, and I attribute that to her willpower, and desire to see friends and family one last time. The day she spent with her childhood friends, and a few other close friends, was just awesome to see. I felt so happy that she was able to see them one last time, but also sad at the same time.

We moved to a hotel that was setup for us by a really close family friend. That night, her friends came back over and took her around in her wheelchair, just remincing about the past, and all the fun they had when they were younger. It was bittersweet when they left, as I knew it was going to be the last time they saw her. Melissa told me it was good to see them.

Then there was the next morning. It will forever be burned in my mind all the events of that morning. But there was one thing that stood out to me later that morning. We were going to the funeral home that I had chosen, which was the one that her grandmother used when her grandfather passed away, and honestly the only one I knew of. We were going to do the final arrangements with them.  It was a beautiful day, and as I went to step into the funeral home, I felt a breeze. I knew that it was Melissa. She was telling me that it was alright now. That she wasn’t in pain, and that it was alright. I said that to her mom, who was with me. I felt a sense of peace at that time.

In the year that she has been gone, a few things have happened in my life. I fully believe that Melissa has had a hand in all of them in some capacity. Her capacity to love and help is still there.

Melissa, I’ve been without you for the past year. It has been a hard year for me. I may never know the why. I’m not sure I want to know. I do know that I love you. I always have and I always will. Logan loves you with all his heart. Holli loves you, Shannyn loves you, and Megan loves you. I think about you everyday, and look up to you everyday. You are my angel, always have been and always will be. I know you are smiling down on us, and I hope I’ve done you proud with Logan.

I love you, baby.

Upcoming week

Over the course of the next week, it is going to be a very emotional week for me. As I've posted over the past few weeks, it should be obvious to most people why. If not, well....you really need to stop and think.

Anyway, I've been thinking quite a bit about things over the past couple weeks, and how I want to deal with some things. But I had a light bulb going off moment yesterday. I'm not going to stress over things that may or may not happen. I will deal with them as they happen. 

But, let this serve as a warning. I will not be taken advantage of, even in my emotional state. In the past, some have been successful. Certain people may even try to do it in the very near future. I put emphasis on try. They have said and done things in contrary in the past to what I know to be true. They may or may not know who they are.

To quote the latest cute saying "Come at me, bro"

Yesterday and Tomorrow

Yesterday, I made a post on Facebook about how it was going to be a rough day for me. It was a bit rough at times, so maybe I need to explain a bit.

One year ago yesterday, I found out that I was losing my best friend, my soul mate, my wife. Nothing in your life can prepare you for hearing that, no matter what facts you are faced with. It is one of those things that you get punched in the gut with, and when I heard those words "There is nothing we can do for you", I felt like Mike Tyson had punched me in the gut.

After he said that, he left the room. Both of us were upset. We knew, without saying a word, what was going through each others minds. I was heartbroken moreso that I had ever been. I've lost family members, and I've been sad. But to be in the room to be told you are losing a best friend, a soulmate, a wife, the mother of your kids. That takes it to a whole new level.

Melissa started talking about either renting a van, or getting a new one, and taking the kids on day trips. Hershey, Pa, up to Put in Bay, Amish Country were all discussed before the doctor came back. He started talking to us about Hospice, and how they would be in contact with us. After that, it's all a blur. I remember bringing her home, talking for a few minutes. I asked her if I should go back to work. She responded that I should, as she was just going to get some sleep.

I wish I would have stayed home. But she was right. All I would do is mope and become emotional. So, I went to work to mope and be even more emotional. The first person I ran into when I got there was my HR Director. I must admit, it took a whole hell of alot of willpower to keep from crying. When I told her, she quickly got me in with my boss, and the Executive Director. I told them, "There is nothing they can do for her", and just broke down. I remember my boss and my Executive Director hugging me, and the Director crying. I was told to go home by someone shortly after (probably the HR Director), but I refused. I wish I didn't do that. I wished I would have went home to be with her. For that Melissa, I am sorry.

I wish that Melissa and I could have done some of the things we talked about in the doctors office. We both wanted the kids to have positive memories of family time, and just enjoying each other. I wish we could have forseen how quickly things happened.

With tomorrow being mother's day, I've been wracking my brain to see how, or if, I celebrate it with Logan. I still am. Logan, like me, still gets emotional about her. He is more likely to not cry, unlike me, but I know the pain is there inside him. He just keeps it in a box on a shelf. Sometimes, having autism is a good thing.

I just wish I knew what the right answer is in how to handle tomorrow. I don't even know if there is a right answer. I just hope, no matter what I do, that Melissa knows how much she is loved by her son and her three daughters. They all looked up to her. They all miss her just as much as I do.

Melissa, Happy Mother's Day.  I Love You. Logan Loves you. Shannon Loves you. Holli Loves you. Megan Loves you.

Memories

It's been awhile since I've posted, and to be honest, it's been a bit hard. Memories have been flooding back to me of all the time I was with Melissa. I look at something in the house, I think of her. I go to make a change to something, I wonder what she would have done. That is what fourteen years with someone does to you.

It's been almost a year now since she left us. I'm still saddened by it. Still cry. I sometimes stop when I go to leave the house, and think of the last time she saw the house. The home we built together. It's still hurts when I think about the last conversation we had about the house, the kids, and us. I just remember praying that somehow, someway, it would all get better. I could have even been begging for that, for all I know.

I also remember Darrell. He came up for the weekend of Mother's Day for a visit. I just remember being so grateful for that. Melissa was excited to see him, as she always was. I always admired their relationship, and the love they had for one another. In some ways, I was jealous of that, as I was an only child, except for one day. When Melissa was diagnosed, they became even closer, and it was at the point, when he came to visit a short time later, I realized that I since I met Melissa, I had a brother. I always looked forward to seeing him after I first met him back in August of 1997.

I remember that day. I was visiting Melissa, and Darrell and his then wife came down from upstate New Hampshire, where they lived, to visit while I was there. I remember playing cards, playing with some toys pretending they were professional wrestlers, even mimicking their catchphrases, etc. It was such a great time. That day left such an impression on me.

The Christmas that Darrell and his family came down, was especially memorable. Mostly, for the painting that he did for her. He did it at a conference or something like that. If memory serves, he was supposed to paint something that was a symbol of something. About that time, we did get some good news about Melissa, that the cancer in her liver was shrinking. He painted a door, complete with a door frame. I just remember him getting emotional telling Melissa about it, and Melissa crying. We had the best Christmas that year. That painting was hung by our bed, and is still hanging. I see it everyday. That painting means alot to me.

Darrell, I'm so honored to know you, and call you my brother. I'm so grateful to have known, and been married to your sister for 14 years. Thank you for all the memories we made together, and the ones in the future, that I know we will have.

Our Daughter, Holli, is participating in a Relay for Life at the Venice airport in Venice, Florida. I'm very proud of her for doing that. I'm sure, like me, she misses her mom very much. I miss Holli very much. I miss having my family altogether. I'll never know why things had to be this way, but I sure hope it's all for the good.

So many things have gone through my mind over the past couple weeks. Emotions are getting a little hard to control lately. My thoughts keep wandering to the last few weeks. It's been harder and harder to stay happy the past few weeks, as I am sure that it will get even harder as this month progresses. I've been trying to stay busy, occupy my time so I don't stop and think, but it never helps. Too often, I just wander off into that zone, thinking what I could have done, or how much I miss her, or something else that just freezes me up.

As that day gets closer, and with Mother's day, and all of the bad days that followed, it will get harder. I know this, and I'm not going to run away from it, and curl up in a ball and hope for the best. I'm just going to move forward, taking what comes as best I can. Will I cry? Of course I will. I'm human, and I know this, despite my best efforts to show otherwise. I've never been one to run away from what life throws at me.

Easter thoughts

In 30 minutes, it will be Easter Sunday. Many people are looking forward to it to spend time with friends and family, watching their kids hunt for easter eggs, go to church, have dinner with family, etc. For me, it's not about that for me. This year, it's a very sad occasion.

Last Easter was the last holiday I got to spend with Melissa. I wish I would have known. I would have have just hugged her and not let go. I wish I never had to. As I was getting things ready for my kids here, a picture on my wall grabbed me. It was of Melissa at my parents house last easter. It was the last picture that was taken of her. It is one that I will always cherish.

I sit here, in tears, thinking about that day. It's hard to not cry when thinking about that day. I miss her. I wish she were still here, so I wouldn't have to hide eggs on my own, or make the baskets. I miss doing that with her. I want the kids to have a happy time, not one that seems like it was thrown together at the last minute. She was always the one thinking about how to make each time better than the last.

Melissa, I miss you. I love you very much. This Easter, I have to be content with you as my angel above looking over the kids. We all miss you, and love you. You are always in my thoughts. Not a day goes by that I look up to you, and smile. Thankful for the years we had together.

Happy Easter, My Love.

Getting by on life alone...

For those that read my last blog, it was just as emotional for me to write, as I'm sure as it was for you to read it. That was completely free form and from the heart. I'm sure as it gets closer, I'll write another one that will just send both writer, and reader, into uncontrollable fits of crying. But thank you for all the kind feedback and words that you have all expressed to me.

I've been re-assessing things in my life lately, to see where I stand, and more importantly, who I am. I think it is going to be an on going process for me. I've learned that I am stronger than I ever thought I could be, despite all the sadness that has happened to me over the past few years. I've learned that there are only barriers if you allow them to be barriers.

I've also learned that I need to be more confident in myself and my abilities. I've allowed, in the past, others doubt about me and what I can do to creep inside my psyche. I've allowed others to push me around, so to speak. I'm determined not to let that happen. I've got a great support system in my life that has made me realize that I can't let myself be beat down.

I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, I think. I've become more assertive, and don't take anyone's bullshit. (Sorry, but this is how I feel). I think back to what people have told me, and realize that they are full of it. Those are the people that I need to put in the proper place in my life. They also need to know that I won't stand for it anymore.

10 months

It's been 10 months. Ten months since I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my wife, and, most importantly, the mother of my one of my daughters and my son. I have found myself reflecting back alot lately to the last few months of Melissa's life. It's rough to think about at times. I try and be the tough guy and not let it bother me, but it just makes things worse, honestly. There will be something that sparks a memory, good or bad, that makes me stop. And it's been happening more and more lately, as I approach that year mark.

And that honestly scares me. I keep thinking about how I will be when all those memories and emotions starting hitting me hard as I think about the time we were told there was nothing they could do for her. Hearing the words Hospice, Wills, and thinking about how in the world was I going to tell Logan that Mommy would be gone soon. I spent so much time thinking about how I was going to tell him. How do you tell a eight year old that Mommy was leaving, and never coming back because she was too sick. May 2011 will be always in my mind as the worst month of my life, bar none.

But not to be too depressing (too late, I know), I also remember the last time that she visited Step by Step, where we both worked. At the time, we, as the center, were facing major budget cuts from the state. I remember that it was a Wednesday, and she was at chemo, which turned out to be the last time she had chemo. I went and picked her up, and I just looked at her and said, "Let's go to the center". She looked at me like I was crazy, and said that she didn't look good, after just having chemo. I told her that no one would care, that they would just be happy to see her. She agreed, and we went there. Our Executive Director was having a meeting with our building about these issues we were facing. She mentioned that Melissa and I were there the last time we faced this large an issue, and asked Melissa to talk about it. From that point on, Melissa took over. She still had the passion for the kids, for the center, and it showed. It seemed that everyone was just so focused on her. Here she was, hooked up to her chemo pump, showing more fire and energy than her body should have allowed. She loved those kids. She cared about the families. She cared about her co-workers, even though she hadn't worked since the previous November.

I think back to that day and I smile. That epitomized who she was. What she was about. Yes, she was sick and weak, but she didn't let that stop her. I was always proud to call her my wife because of that. Her passion knew no end for those families and the kids.

That turned out to be the last time that many of our co-workers saw her. She was scheduled to have chemo two weeks later, and it was then we were told the grim news. Even facing that, Melissa and I wanted to make plans to go to Hershey, Pa with the kids, or Put In Bay and have some family time.

Her body had other ideas. I felt so damn helpless watching her fade away before my eyes. I felt so helpless. Each time a hospice nurse came in to check on her, I felt part of her slip away.

Then there was the Saturday before she passed. Many co-workers came over to help beautify our house by planing some flowers and trim things, and just generally help. It was then I realized just how many people actually cared, and how much help I had turned down. It was amazing how that happens. But as great as that day was, a much darker time was coming that same day.

A nurse came in to check on her, as they did every day. Melissa had done alot that day, trying to talk to people, and be part of things, as she liked to do. At one point she fell after coming in the house. She begged me not to let anyone know. i got her to the couch, and she stayed there until the nurse came. As the nurse was checking her, I went outside to see how things were going. I came back in, and the nurse wanted to talk to me. She said something about how she was doing, and said something about her being weak. I asked if there was a way she would get any of that back. What was said next, was like a punch in to stomach from Mike Tyson.

"No, in fact, she's only going to get worse from here. The yellow in her eyes means her liver has stopped working. I would say she has a month."

It was at that moment, that I knew it would be less than that. It took every single ounce of willpower to keep from crying and becoming a emotional mess. I still had a party for Holli to get ready for.

I somehow made it through the party without becoming an emotional wreck. When the last person left, and Holli went to bed, it all came out. Melissa had some moments of clarity that night, which we talked about what she wanted for me and the kids. I think we both knew it was near. I cried myself to sleep that night, laying next to her. I honestly felt bad about sleeping that night. I just wanted to spend time with her.

The next day was a blur. I remember her parents coming, and just the general sadness from everyone. I must have cried buckets that day and night.


Melissa,
Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I look up to the heavens every day and feel your presence around me. I know that you wanted me to forge ahead with my life, and be as happy as I could be. I feel like that I have done that in some ways. but I also feel guilty sometimes, enjoying life without you. It just doesn't seem fair sometimes that it was you that had to go through that hell for two and a half years. It took away an angel from this world. It took away my best friend. It took away a mother to four beautiful kids.

I miss you so much. I can never express it enough, how much I love you. How much Logan loves you. I know you are smiling down on us. I Love You. Nothing on this earth will ever change that.

Something to do at 730 in the Morning on a Sunday

I've actually been up for about an hour..but oh well....

One thing that I've been learning recently is not to overthink things. I've had a tendency to do that in my life, and it gets me all worked up over (usually) nothing. But what it also does is allow me to make bad decisions in a bad frame of mind. I was told something yesterday that got me wound up, but caught myself going off to places that, honestly, probably won't happen, or affect me. That is, unless I decided to overthink it, of course. I've been learning to put things in proper perspective. It's not been an easy thing for me to learn, but I'm learning. Like everything else, it takes practice.

One big thing for me that is coming up in my oldest turns 18 next week. It's a huge milestone in both our lives. Obviously, in her life she officially becomes an adult, although I think she's been that for a couple of years. But also for me, as one of my kids is stepping over that threshold to adulthood. I am hoping that the few things that I have taught her she will use and remember for her life. It does make me feel old, but at the same time, I am very proud of her and the young woman she has become.

She also graduates high school this year, which is another milestone. I can't wait to see her walk across that stage and get that diploma. There is something about that thought that makes me somewhat emotional.

With these two big life moments coming up, I find myself thinking back to Melissa, and how she would be happy about these moments. She would be so proud of Shannon as well. We both knew how hard she has worked. I smile at the fact that Melissa will be looking down on both days, both smiling down on her.

I've been thinking lately that this year has many milestones. Two of them I've already mentioned. Another is my 40th birthday coming up in July. (Yes, I do look good for 40...thanks for mentioning it...LOL), then Logan turns 10 in November, and Megan 16 in December. It saddens me that I can't share them with Melissa, but I also know that I will be sharing them with her on some level. I do feel her presence all the time. I've felt it quite a bit this week, with our son being sick, as a calming presence to help me think and do what is best for him.

I also think that she would be happy for me in respect to where my life has gone. Throughout the time she had cancer, we always talked about the future. She always emphasized that she wanted me to be happy, and the kids to be happy. Overall, I am happy. Logan is happy (except when he doesn't get to go to the Lego store...but who wouldn't be), Holli seems to be happy, as does Shannon. Megan is happy, and is becoming quite the artist.

I have several people in my life that make me happy as well, and I hope they stay in my life for years and years to come. I don't think I would be in the good place that I am without their support.

Valentines Day

Today is a sad day for me. Today is the first Valentines day without Melissa. I've been so busy lately that I actually almost forgot about it. I'm sitting here thinking about all of the previous Valentines days that I did have with her. One of them really stands out to me though.

It was our second Valentines day together, if I recall right. I remember thinking to myself how would I impress her? Flowers seemed so obvious (and I did that the year before), chocolates would be a no brainer, yet too easy as well. Then I heard a commercial on the radio that made the decision for me. A Vermont Teddy Bear. I can hear everyone now? a Teddy bear?...Not just any Teddy Bear, but a Vermont Teddy Bear. I went to their website to see how much they were, and I was particularly taken aback by the price. $90. I thought to myself, that this bear better clean up after itself and us.

But, I decided to ask around about this. This was a new thing to me, and I thought I better ask other women what they thought. They ALL loved the idea. I was amazed by this. They all thought the price was high, but many thought it was worth it. So I decided to purchase one.

This turned out to be the best gift idea I ever had. She absolutely loved it. It was an angel bear, as she was a big Anne Geddes fan, and one of her favorites was an angel picture. I have never forgotten that one. When we moved from Mass to Ohio, she made sure the bear came with us. That always made me feel good. I still have the bear, although honestly I don't know where it's at currently. I think it's in a bin next to the bed.

Thinking about that bear does get me emotional. Sitting down to view Facebook and write this blog, all the emotions and feelings that I have been too busy to deal with are now assaulting me. I miss her terribly, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and look up to the sky and talk to her. It is times and days like this that I have to stop and think about it, and that is when the emotion comes pouring out.

I have so many good things in my life right now. I feel like I owe it all to Melissa. I wish that she was here to share it with, but I think that she is looking down on me smiling, and enjoying it with me.

Melissa, I love you. With all my heart. I miss you so much. Thank you for all the Valentine Days we spend together. Fourteen of them. Some don't get two. I cherish those days, just like I cherished all the days we had together.

I love you.

Back to reality...

I got a "letter" from my Mother-in-Law today. I saw the envelope and I was curious to see what they had sent me. I opened the letter up, and she had sent me a collage of pictures of a bench in Venice, Fl. This bench had a plaque on it with Melissa's name on it. She had taken images of it from different spots around, and from inside the ice cream shoppe it is outside of.

I knew that they were going to do this. I wish it was there when I was down there at Thanksgiving. What I didn't think would happen, was I got really sad. It just hit me really hard. I'm not sure why. It was just one of those things that happened.

I've been thinking alot about her lately. All the things we did together, places we went, even the food we ate. It hurts sometimes, but most times, I smile, and thank her for all the times we had together. She helped me become the father that I am today. By no means am I perfect, just better than I was.


Thank you Melissa. And, as always, I love you.

Another weekend gone by

Well..another weekend in the books. One big thing was that my middle daughter, Holli, turned 16 years old. I've very proud of the young woman she has turned into. She has really grown, and the sky is the limit for her. She spent her birthday weekend in Disney, and judging from some of the pictures, it looks like she had a lot of fun.

On my end, pretty typical weekend. Spent time with Megan and Shannon. Megan is really beginning to show her artistic side. She also organized all of the paints, brushes and art stuff that I had in my closet. I brought them down in the basement, and the spent a good amount of time working on it. She also has Melissa's large canvas, and it working on something. So far, it looks good, and I can't wait to see the final product.

Shannon worked most of the weekend. She also did pep band at her school on Saturday. She's looking forward to graduating and getting on with her life. I support her no matter what, as a father should. I'm probably as excited about it as she is.

Logan just is having a blast in his room. He has a computer, legos, and a DVD player with a TV in there. He is a very happy boy. It will be sad to see him leave SBSA, but I know it's for the best, and will help him achieve even greater things.

I was sad that I had to spend Holli's 16th birthday away from her. I really wish that Melissa was here to celebrate with her and as a family. I know that she is watching over right now, but that is a small comfort.

I did discover a new band over the weekend though. It is called Sixx AM. It is a side project of the bass player for Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx. The album I downloaded, This is Gonna Hurt, is, from top to bottom, one of the better albums I have heard in a long time. I can't say enough good about them. I highly recommend you give them a listen. And when you do, listen to the lyrics...they are as powerful as the music.

Friday the 13th musings

I think the word irony would describe my life at times. It seems that Friday the 13th, while unlucky for most people, is associated with so many good things in my life. Allow me to explain, (which I will, as this is my blog)

The first thing that happened good to me, is the birth of my youngest daughter, Megan. She was born on a Friday the 13th in December. She has grown into a very wonderful young woman. I am very proud of her.

The second thing is I graduate college on a Friday the 13th, six months after Megan was born. One of the best days of my life.

Next thing, is I had the wedding rehearsal for the wedding with Melissa. I remember just being so happy that day, knowing that the next day, would be the first step in what I consider the best journey that I have ever been on. It began a journey that lasted close to 12 years. It is a journey that I loved, and will always treasure in my heart.

It took over 12 years to have a good Friday the 13th again, but it happened today. I had a dr appt, and I had to have some lab work done today. Now, I have a huge fear of needles, especially blood needles. I was determined to do it. My rationale was that if Melissa could do it for the 2 and a half years she doggedly fought her cancer, I had to man up for this one time.

Now, to set the stage, I walk in to the room, and the first thing I see is the chair. The best way to describe it would be to take a hospital chair that you would see in a lobby, add one of those folding desktops (with padding) you see in High School, and that was what I saw when I first walked in. My first thought (as I was already psyching myself out) was that I was about to be some weird lab experiment. But that didn't deter me.

Now, the nurse started to check for a good vein, and she looked at both arms. When I heard her let out a frustrated sigh, I just told myself she was tired (which, in retrospect, not the best thought to have). She then told me I have small veins. Now, I felt that confidence just ooze out of my body. My thoughts turned to, how many holes am I about to get in my arms?

Just as that thought entered, she swabbed my arm, and stuck the needle in. Now, I was distracting myself by talking with the nurse about a random topic. Next thing I know, we are done.

My fear of needles has lessened a bit, but to claim all the credit would be wrong of me. I felt a calming presence there today that told me to stop being a wussy. Yes, that would be Melissa.

Thank you for getting me through this, and giving me the confidence to do it. You would have been proud of me. I love you for that.


To say that Friday the 13th's have been good to me is an understatement. It's given me untold good times.

New Year, FIrst Post

It's been 9 days since the beginning of the new year. So far, it has treated me well. I've started two of the things I would like to do in the new year. First one is beginning to eat better. I've been eating more fruit, in the form of pineapple chunks and mixed fruit in the morning, and a bit more salad. I feel a bit better, although it's just the beginning. I need to start walking more, and doing more physical things.

The other item is getting organized and creating some space in my house. I went through the upstairs closet and moved out some items. I am thinking of creating an arts and crafts section in my basement. Most of the items I moved out were paints and brushes. I think the kids would like to have that in my house, as a way to be connected to, and honor Melissa.

It's nice to have some space in my pantry now. I am going to start stocking up on food and juices so I don't have to shop as much.I'll have to start learning how to extreme coupon...LOL....and fill my house with crap I don't need, like 1000 bottles of recalled Excederin....