Memories

It's been awhile since I've posted, and to be honest, it's been a bit hard. Memories have been flooding back to me of all the time I was with Melissa. I look at something in the house, I think of her. I go to make a change to something, I wonder what she would have done. That is what fourteen years with someone does to you.

It's been almost a year now since she left us. I'm still saddened by it. Still cry. I sometimes stop when I go to leave the house, and think of the last time she saw the house. The home we built together. It's still hurts when I think about the last conversation we had about the house, the kids, and us. I just remember praying that somehow, someway, it would all get better. I could have even been begging for that, for all I know.

I also remember Darrell. He came up for the weekend of Mother's Day for a visit. I just remember being so grateful for that. Melissa was excited to see him, as she always was. I always admired their relationship, and the love they had for one another. In some ways, I was jealous of that, as I was an only child, except for one day. When Melissa was diagnosed, they became even closer, and it was at the point, when he came to visit a short time later, I realized that I since I met Melissa, I had a brother. I always looked forward to seeing him after I first met him back in August of 1997.

I remember that day. I was visiting Melissa, and Darrell and his then wife came down from upstate New Hampshire, where they lived, to visit while I was there. I remember playing cards, playing with some toys pretending they were professional wrestlers, even mimicking their catchphrases, etc. It was such a great time. That day left such an impression on me.

The Christmas that Darrell and his family came down, was especially memorable. Mostly, for the painting that he did for her. He did it at a conference or something like that. If memory serves, he was supposed to paint something that was a symbol of something. About that time, we did get some good news about Melissa, that the cancer in her liver was shrinking. He painted a door, complete with a door frame. I just remember him getting emotional telling Melissa about it, and Melissa crying. We had the best Christmas that year. That painting was hung by our bed, and is still hanging. I see it everyday. That painting means alot to me.

Darrell, I'm so honored to know you, and call you my brother. I'm so grateful to have known, and been married to your sister for 14 years. Thank you for all the memories we made together, and the ones in the future, that I know we will have.

Our Daughter, Holli, is participating in a Relay for Life at the Venice airport in Venice, Florida. I'm very proud of her for doing that. I'm sure, like me, she misses her mom very much. I miss Holli very much. I miss having my family altogether. I'll never know why things had to be this way, but I sure hope it's all for the good.

So many things have gone through my mind over the past couple weeks. Emotions are getting a little hard to control lately. My thoughts keep wandering to the last few weeks. It's been harder and harder to stay happy the past few weeks, as I am sure that it will get even harder as this month progresses. I've been trying to stay busy, occupy my time so I don't stop and think, but it never helps. Too often, I just wander off into that zone, thinking what I could have done, or how much I miss her, or something else that just freezes me up.

As that day gets closer, and with Mother's day, and all of the bad days that followed, it will get harder. I know this, and I'm not going to run away from it, and curl up in a ball and hope for the best. I'm just going to move forward, taking what comes as best I can. Will I cry? Of course I will. I'm human, and I know this, despite my best efforts to show otherwise. I've never been one to run away from what life throws at me.