Valentines Day

Today is a sad day for me. Today is the first Valentines day without Melissa. I've been so busy lately that I actually almost forgot about it. I'm sitting here thinking about all of the previous Valentines days that I did have with her. One of them really stands out to me though.

It was our second Valentines day together, if I recall right. I remember thinking to myself how would I impress her? Flowers seemed so obvious (and I did that the year before), chocolates would be a no brainer, yet too easy as well. Then I heard a commercial on the radio that made the decision for me. A Vermont Teddy Bear. I can hear everyone now? a Teddy bear?...Not just any Teddy Bear, but a Vermont Teddy Bear. I went to their website to see how much they were, and I was particularly taken aback by the price. $90. I thought to myself, that this bear better clean up after itself and us.

But, I decided to ask around about this. This was a new thing to me, and I thought I better ask other women what they thought. They ALL loved the idea. I was amazed by this. They all thought the price was high, but many thought it was worth it. So I decided to purchase one.

This turned out to be the best gift idea I ever had. She absolutely loved it. It was an angel bear, as she was a big Anne Geddes fan, and one of her favorites was an angel picture. I have never forgotten that one. When we moved from Mass to Ohio, she made sure the bear came with us. That always made me feel good. I still have the bear, although honestly I don't know where it's at currently. I think it's in a bin next to the bed.

Thinking about that bear does get me emotional. Sitting down to view Facebook and write this blog, all the emotions and feelings that I have been too busy to deal with are now assaulting me. I miss her terribly, and not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and look up to the sky and talk to her. It is times and days like this that I have to stop and think about it, and that is when the emotion comes pouring out.

I have so many good things in my life right now. I feel like I owe it all to Melissa. I wish that she was here to share it with, but I think that she is looking down on me smiling, and enjoying it with me.

Melissa, I love you. With all my heart. I miss you so much. Thank you for all the Valentine Days we spend together. Fourteen of them. Some don't get two. I cherish those days, just like I cherished all the days we had together.

I love you.

Back to reality...

I got a "letter" from my Mother-in-Law today. I saw the envelope and I was curious to see what they had sent me. I opened the letter up, and she had sent me a collage of pictures of a bench in Venice, Fl. This bench had a plaque on it with Melissa's name on it. She had taken images of it from different spots around, and from inside the ice cream shoppe it is outside of.

I knew that they were going to do this. I wish it was there when I was down there at Thanksgiving. What I didn't think would happen, was I got really sad. It just hit me really hard. I'm not sure why. It was just one of those things that happened.

I've been thinking alot about her lately. All the things we did together, places we went, even the food we ate. It hurts sometimes, but most times, I smile, and thank her for all the times we had together. She helped me become the father that I am today. By no means am I perfect, just better than I was.


Thank you Melissa. And, as always, I love you.

Another weekend gone by

Well..another weekend in the books. One big thing was that my middle daughter, Holli, turned 16 years old. I've very proud of the young woman she has turned into. She has really grown, and the sky is the limit for her. She spent her birthday weekend in Disney, and judging from some of the pictures, it looks like she had a lot of fun.

On my end, pretty typical weekend. Spent time with Megan and Shannon. Megan is really beginning to show her artistic side. She also organized all of the paints, brushes and art stuff that I had in my closet. I brought them down in the basement, and the spent a good amount of time working on it. She also has Melissa's large canvas, and it working on something. So far, it looks good, and I can't wait to see the final product.

Shannon worked most of the weekend. She also did pep band at her school on Saturday. She's looking forward to graduating and getting on with her life. I support her no matter what, as a father should. I'm probably as excited about it as she is.

Logan just is having a blast in his room. He has a computer, legos, and a DVD player with a TV in there. He is a very happy boy. It will be sad to see him leave SBSA, but I know it's for the best, and will help him achieve even greater things.

I was sad that I had to spend Holli's 16th birthday away from her. I really wish that Melissa was here to celebrate with her and as a family. I know that she is watching over right now, but that is a small comfort.

I did discover a new band over the weekend though. It is called Sixx AM. It is a side project of the bass player for Motley Crue, Nikki Sixx. The album I downloaded, This is Gonna Hurt, is, from top to bottom, one of the better albums I have heard in a long time. I can't say enough good about them. I highly recommend you give them a listen. And when you do, listen to the lyrics...they are as powerful as the music.

Friday the 13th musings

I think the word irony would describe my life at times. It seems that Friday the 13th, while unlucky for most people, is associated with so many good things in my life. Allow me to explain, (which I will, as this is my blog)

The first thing that happened good to me, is the birth of my youngest daughter, Megan. She was born on a Friday the 13th in December. She has grown into a very wonderful young woman. I am very proud of her.

The second thing is I graduate college on a Friday the 13th, six months after Megan was born. One of the best days of my life.

Next thing, is I had the wedding rehearsal for the wedding with Melissa. I remember just being so happy that day, knowing that the next day, would be the first step in what I consider the best journey that I have ever been on. It began a journey that lasted close to 12 years. It is a journey that I loved, and will always treasure in my heart.

It took over 12 years to have a good Friday the 13th again, but it happened today. I had a dr appt, and I had to have some lab work done today. Now, I have a huge fear of needles, especially blood needles. I was determined to do it. My rationale was that if Melissa could do it for the 2 and a half years she doggedly fought her cancer, I had to man up for this one time.

Now, to set the stage, I walk in to the room, and the first thing I see is the chair. The best way to describe it would be to take a hospital chair that you would see in a lobby, add one of those folding desktops (with padding) you see in High School, and that was what I saw when I first walked in. My first thought (as I was already psyching myself out) was that I was about to be some weird lab experiment. But that didn't deter me.

Now, the nurse started to check for a good vein, and she looked at both arms. When I heard her let out a frustrated sigh, I just told myself she was tired (which, in retrospect, not the best thought to have). She then told me I have small veins. Now, I felt that confidence just ooze out of my body. My thoughts turned to, how many holes am I about to get in my arms?

Just as that thought entered, she swabbed my arm, and stuck the needle in. Now, I was distracting myself by talking with the nurse about a random topic. Next thing I know, we are done.

My fear of needles has lessened a bit, but to claim all the credit would be wrong of me. I felt a calming presence there today that told me to stop being a wussy. Yes, that would be Melissa.

Thank you for getting me through this, and giving me the confidence to do it. You would have been proud of me. I love you for that.


To say that Friday the 13th's have been good to me is an understatement. It's given me untold good times.

New Year, FIrst Post

It's been 9 days since the beginning of the new year. So far, it has treated me well. I've started two of the things I would like to do in the new year. First one is beginning to eat better. I've been eating more fruit, in the form of pineapple chunks and mixed fruit in the morning, and a bit more salad. I feel a bit better, although it's just the beginning. I need to start walking more, and doing more physical things.

The other item is getting organized and creating some space in my house. I went through the upstairs closet and moved out some items. I am thinking of creating an arts and crafts section in my basement. Most of the items I moved out were paints and brushes. I think the kids would like to have that in my house, as a way to be connected to, and honor Melissa.

It's nice to have some space in my pantry now. I am going to start stocking up on food and juices so I don't have to shop as much.I'll have to start learning how to extreme coupon...LOL....and fill my house with crap I don't need, like 1000 bottles of recalled Excederin....

New Years

Every year, people make New Years Resolutions at this time. I tend to find these a bit boring, as most of them are broken within a week. But, with everything that has happened to me this year, I thought that I would do a few things different. So, without further ado, let's get to it...

1. I plan on getting more done, so I don't have as much stress in my life. I have a few things that are on my plate, that I need to at the very least, get moving forward. They may not happen all this year, which I'm okay with.

2. Communicate better. This has been something that I've had issues with others (still do). Now, this does NOT mean I will tell everyone everything. In fact, I should clarify that I will tell people what is needed, and nothing extra.

3. Focus much more on Logan. This is important, as he's in a critical phase of his development, in my opinion. Between his eating plan, and getting him transitioned to a regular school, it's critical I focus on him.

4. Enjoy Life and what it has to offer. This is important as well. Melissa would want this from me, and I plan on doing that.

I think these are do able. In fact, I can probably say that this time next year, I accomplished alot. Here is to 2012, which should be MUCH MUCH better than 2011

Christmas Eve Eve

With Christmas being so close, I want to take an opportunity to thank everyone for keeping me going this year. This, without a doubt, has been the toughest year I have ever had. The end of the year is bringing some emotions to me, as this was Melissa's favorite time of year, for many different reasons.

The most important reason to her was family. She enjoyed having family around, especially during the holidays. It made her relaxed, and happy. It was especially important when she was(officially) diagnosed, which was 3 years ago today. While it was a huge blow to us, having her parents here helped with some of the blow. Sadly, her parents could not be here this year, as it would be hard for my Father in law to travel right now.


To say I haven't been crying, would be a lie. It's really hard this year to be happy at Christmas time. Christmas morning is going to be hell, to be blunt. Not having my best friend there to share our kids excitement on Christmas morning is going to be very hard. She lived for those moments, and those are some of the fondest moments I have with her. It's been hard, especially the past few days, as I've had more time to think about it, being on a break from work.

But it is her love and that voice in the back of my head, telling me it's okay, that she is in a better place now. She's able to enjoy Christmas now, instead of worrying about all the pain she was in. I know that she will be there Christmas morning, as she would want to be there to see the looks on the kids faces as they open their presents. To me, that is the best gift I could get this year.

There is a saying that you don't know what you've got, until it's gone. I knew what I had the moment I met her. I had a loving, caring woman that had a passion for life, family, and most of all, her children. She had, and still has, love for all four of our kids. She embraced my daughters as they were her own. She, to me, was the perfect mother. I had someone that brought me to a better place, and made me a better person and husband. She helped make the world a better place through her work at Step by Step Academy.

Melissa, I miss you. I love you. Nothing will ever change that. And thank you. Thank you for loving me, allowing me into your life for 14 years. Sharing the good and bad times. We had more than our share of ups and downs together. But I could not have asked for a better partner to navigate the rough seas of life with.

Merry Christmas, Melissa. I Love you

Holiday Feelings.....

It's been awhile since I've written on here. I get so wrapped up in the day to day things that I forget about this. Yet right now, I need this.

I've been talking with people about the "year of firsts". That first birthday, anniversary, kid's birthdays without you. Right now, I've hit Thanksgiving, Logan's Birthday, and next is Megan's birthday, Christmas, then Holly's in January, then Shannon's 18th in March...all right in a row. It hit me hard today that you won't be there for them. This is your favorite time of year. You loved to bake cookies, and I so loved the smell of them when you did. I was your "taste tester" as my belly proves. It makes me sad sometimes when I come home now, and all I see is the kitchen empty, all the baking supplies still in the cabinet. It hits me hard that you are no longer with me.

Christmas morning is going to be the toughest morning I will have since you passed. I'm afraid that I won't be able to get up and be as joyful as in years past. I think back to the past Christmas mornings, and smile at them, as they were happy moments. This year, I hope it is. I hope that everyone understands if I'm not in that jolly mood, because I will be missing you alot that day.

I know that you will be there, watching. The only ornament I hung, was the angel one I found that looks so much like you. I cried so hard when I found that, knowing that you were here with me, watching over us. What I wouldn't give to hold you again.

I Love you Baby....

Changes..

As many of you know, Melissa passed away on May 27th around 8:30am. It was, and still is, a very painful thing for me to think about. That day will always be tough for me. Every year, at that time, I will probably break down and cry. I still do that. I almost did it when I came up the stairs the other day, when the memory of the last time she came up the stairs to go to bed came into my head. I'm fighting the tears now, typing this.

Melissa was much more than my wife. She was the mother of two of my kids, and mom to four. She embraced them from the start, as if they were her own. She was my best friend...someone that I could talk to about anything. She was probably the only person I could do that with, and may ever do that with. She was also my soul mate. I cannot say that strongly enough. We could look at each other, and know what each other was thinking. Did we have our disagreements...yes. Did we fight? Yes, but in the end, we loved each other, and we grew stronger together.

It's hard to think past the previous two and a half years. Ever since that night in the ER before the first colonoscopy that began the journey through the waters of a cancer patient. It made me question everything at first. I felt lost. But it was Melissa, who was going through the surgeries to put in the port, chemo every two weeks, scans, radiation, trials and even another surgery to remove the original tumors, that kept me positive, and hopeful that she would be around for a long time. My optimism was tested, but was returned to me by Melissa. I broke down more over the past two years than I ever have previous to Dec 2008, when she got the diagnosis. But it was Melissa that kept me hopeful. Each time we went to chemo, and she said she would "Kick Cancer's Ass". I smiled, and told her that I knew she would. And she put up one hell of a fight.

I love her. And I always will. No one will ever be able to fill my heart with love like she did. Even at the end, she gave me hope. She gave me confidence in myself to move on. But most of all, she gave me love. A love that I will always have in my heart. When she left, it wasn't good bye. I always feel her presence. I feel positive that she is happy with where I am at in my life now. Everyday, I look up to the sky, and smile. I tell her I love you. And I do. Always and forever.

My kids. The worst thing in the world, is to tell a child, especially your own, that your mom is not going to make it. That she is dying. The worst thing I've ever done in my wife was tell my son that mommy wasn't going to be with us much longer. The look on his face will never leave my thoughts. To tell your daughter that her mother is gone....to see the sadness in her eyes, broke my heart.

Holli - I will always love you. No matter what happens in the future. I know that you needed a fresh start, given the hell you went through here. I wish I could have you here with Logan and I. But I know that you need this. Just know that I will support you no matter what...I miss you and Love you.

Shannon - My oldest. You have been so strong through all of this. I appreciate your support, strength and understanding through everything these past three month. We may not always agree (no surprise because you are 17), but I love you still. And I always will. I remember all the fun times we have had. You are much more grown up than your age shows as well. I really enjoy the talks we have, similar to the ones you and Melissa had. I may not have always been part of them, but I listened.

Megan - My youngest daughter. You are me in female form, which is kinda scary. But when you went up to talk about Melissa at her Celebration, that really opened my eyes to who you really are. Very strong, and you believe in yourself. I know Melissa was smiling when you spoke. She, as I do, love you very much. I know I don't say it much, but I do love you. I do appreciate you. More than maybe you'll ever know.

Logan - My little man. You may not ever read this, but it doesn't matter. You have been the strongest little boy I have ever seen. You want to be strong for me, and I want to be strong for you. We never let each other see tears. Yet, I hear about how you talk about mommy all the time, and smile while doing it. Sometimes you cry, but mostly smile. But you are strong. Right now, it's just you and me, on this adventure know as life. I love you, big guy.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

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I've been through so many changes in my life over the past year. The past three and a half months especially. I don't expect those changes to stop anytime soon. Some are good, some bad. But you have to take the good with the bad. Life is much more precious now. I am also learning to seize the moment, as if you don't, things may pass you by and you'll miss out on the good things and people that could change your life. I learned that from Melissa. And I know she would be proud.

Melissa Lee Fraize-Morris. I love you. You will always be my wife, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Like I said, no one will take your place in my life. This song says what I feel. I miss you, baby.

Song for Melissa

Update

Went to the Dr yesterday. Mixed news, I think

She's off the trial treatment. It wasn't working for her, and in fact the tumors on the liver have grown in size. The spots on her lungs grew a bit, but it didn't seem like the doctor was overly concerned about them, but keeping watch. Honestly, when I heard this, my heart sank, and I began to feel sorry for myself and the situation. I try not to do that, but I couldn't control it.

We do have options, which one of them we will be exploring tomorrow afternoon. It may be a radiation treatment for her, but we'll see what this doctor says to us tomorrow. I was glad to hear that the doctor said we have some options. This brought me very quickly out of the self pity party I was having.

Admittedly, I am having trouble wrapping my head around all of this. It's been more than 24 hours, and I'm still trying to absorb it. Is this another mountain to climb? Will it lead to a better place, or will we find the valley again? Time will tell, I suppose.

This topped off an already crazy week. I need this weekend more than ever this week. And I'm looking forward to seeing my brother in law next week....That'll be just the thing I need to cheer up Melissa, and myself....

It's how you deal, is what makes you who you are..

Wow... I guess that I need to be more forthcoming with my blogging. Been a year and a half since I last blogged (Melissa and I's 10th anniversary). ALOT has happened since then. Some good, some bad...It's been a long road...and still traveling it....


The biggest thing is that Melissa's cancer has not gone away. In fact, it has spread. To her lungs. Nothing big, although she had another scan yesterday, and we find the results out tomorrow. She's currently on an experimental drug (some number, they don't give those drugs a name for some reason.), and has been for about 2 months now. Hopefully this scan will be some good news for us, as we could really use it. She's in almost constant pain, it ebbs and flows with taking pain medication to control it, as well as some ice packs.

They, being the medical professionals, say it could be inflamed scar tissue from her surgery in Feb to remove the tumor and the lymph nodes feeding it. There were some issues from that surgery that prevented her from healing properly, which have been resolved, but how it has affected her, I am not sure. I hope soon that we get answers.

She's currently on leave from work to fight this. Her health, above all else, is the most important thing.

It's been very difficult for me. I feel so damn helpless at times, watching the woman I love suffer through this. The protector in me feels incredibly bad, as I feel that in some way, I have failed, even though it's not my fault. I have to be strong for her sake, as well as the kids. I know that in this time, men can cry, but I don't have the time. As soon as one thing is done, I have to being something else, be it laundry, getting Logan to bed, dishes, etc. I do have Holly to help, but I can only ask her to do so much.

Am I complaining? No, not really. I think this is more cathartic for me, getting this off my chest out to the world. There are times I just want to crawl into a hole and ignore all that is around me. In my situation, who wouldn't want to do that, and who would blame them?

In my life, I have always been positive, had a positive attitude, and tried to look for the best in any situation. It has been seriously tested over the past 25 months. I think I have been thrown so many curve balls, that I'm not surprised anymore by them.

I just came down from checking on her, and to see her in the pain she's in, really hurts me. Again, it's that very helpless position that I absolutely hate to be in. I curse myself for not being able to do anything, curse life for being in this position, and pretty much just curse everything. Doesn't make it right that I do that, and it's not who I am.

The one good thing I have in my life right now, are my friends and my co-workers. I do have an amazing support system that I can lean on when I have to. I try not to, being the macho man I am, but I'm grateful that it's there. You guys are the best, and thank you for being there.

As for how my kids are doing, and the like, I'll save that for another blog. I feel better typing out what I just did, even if it may not make sense to others.

Life on Kenny Rd

Right now, I'm sitting in the room with Melissa at chemo. We have about 2 hours left to go, and I just want to get home so she can be comfortable. What makes this one slightly rougher than most is the fact that today is our 10 year wedding anniversary. It's hard for me to think happy thought and about all the fun times we've had while she sitting there getting pumped full of chemo.

That being said, it's been a wonderful decade of marriage. We've had our share of ups and downs, similar to other marriages. I can't think of any other way to have it. We have a wonderful son who has brought us so much joy. Our daughter is a wonderful young lady who has a bright future ahead of her. I'm married to a wonderful woman who puts up with so much of my idiosyncrasies that she should be knighted or given a medal for it.

I know, in my heart of hearts, that we will be married for a long time to come. I can't imagine my life without her in it, and I will do all that I can to make sure she stays in it. I consider myself very lucky that we've been married this long, as many couples don't last this long.

I love you Melissa, with all my heart and soul.

Turn Signals

I've been doing quite a bit of driving recently. Between going to doctor's appointments with Melissa, to picking the kids up from school, grocery shopping, and other errands. The one thing I've noticed each and every time that I go out, is that many drivers do not signal their turns.

It's hard to believe that something as simple as pushing a lever up (to go right) or down (to go left) can be so complex. It seems that the art of the use of a turn signal is lost. I've even seen a police officer ignore a car in front of him not signal his right turn. I've seen people pulled over for less.

One of the first things I had to learn when I took my drivers ed was how to use a turn signal. I'm thinking maybe we need to get back to this. I would have failed my driving test had I not used my signal at anytime. If it's that critical on the driver's test, why can't it be just as critical in daily application? How many accidents would it stop?

Just my 2 cents.

Update on Things

Since it's been about a month and a half, I figured I'd let everyone know what is going on.

As of the treatment two weeks ago (previous to the one this past weekend), her CEA count is down to 25, from 800 when she was first diagnosed. Her liver lesions have gone down in size anywhere from 10 to 30 percent (these are based on the various lesions on her liver they choose to watch). This is amazing news in such a short time.

We are very grateful to have such support from everyone. Although we are not in the clear yet, and the treatments still continue. They have added another drug called Avastin, which basically is an agent that cuts off the blood supply to the cancer. She's had two treatments with that, and it seems to be affecting her to a degree, although I can't confirm that for sure. She has been much more exhausted after the treatments the last two, and just hasn't been herself.

We have been keeping up with everything around the house, although with yardwork being re-introduced to the mix, it may get a little more interesting around here. To say that Holly will learn how to mow is an understatement. She may even get her green thumb this summer. We can't wait for Logan's waiver to kick in, so we can relax a bit and get some help with him.

Latest Happenings

Not much has happened since the last posting, which is probably a good thing.

Melissa's last treatment went much better than the first one. No ER visit, no hospital stay. The only issue regarding the last treatment was some weakness, and she caught whatever is going around (as I did as well, but after 6 days, I think I've beaten it). She's over it as well. We are looking forward to the next treatment this weekend, although for me it's going to be a bit of a challenge. I'll explain that shortly.

One of the side effects, the hair loss, has come upon her. It's not completely gone. It's thinned out, and I think she still looks good. Her mother has trimmed it shorter, and it looks really good. She has bought two different wigs so far, and will purchase a third soon at a wig party that some friends from work will have for her in a few weeks. The wigs make her look really good, and it looks so real. I'm amazed how good it looks.

One good thing that has happened is that we have some in-home help with Logan. This will be so valuable during Melissa's treatments, and the couple days afterwards. I'm very grateful for that.

As I stated before, this next treatment will be a slight challenge for me. Melissa's parents left on Monday to go back home. While part of me is relieved that they did leave (I get my space back, so to speak), a bigger part of me misses having them. I think with them around, the general stress level is down, as many of the more mundane household chores got done. Now, it falls all on me, and I'm hoping that I can get as much done as I can, yet still care for Melissa. I'm slightly worried, but I'm hoping it's over nothing.

Never Walk Alone

Right now, I'm sitting in the OSU Emergency Room with Melissa. She's had an adverse reaction to the Chemo or possibly the nausea medicine that they prescribed. I'm still waiting to hear about that. While I've been sitting here checking some things online about chemo and all that it is (I feel like I don't know much about it, like a babe in the woods type thing), something occurred to me.

It occurred to me that I'm not alone in this. I do have her and my family here for immediate support, both with the kids and the house. But I also have the support of all of those who I talk to on Facebook. I've always been a stubborn person. I rarely ask for help from friends. I always preferred to take something on myself, as if I have something to prove.

The support, prayers, and encouragement that I've recieved from everyone has been nothing short of amazing to me. It does inspire me, gives me a reason to smile, and, most importantly, a pool of strength to draw on when it does get rough, like right now.

I freely admit that I've broken down a few times during this past month. It's not easy for me to admit that. I know what I have with Melissa, and it's been hard to see her in pain, and not knowing what the immediate future holds. It does seem brighter, now that we've begun the treatment. I see this current ER visit as a bump in the road.

To all those that have sent well wishes, you have my deepest thanks and sincerest appreciation. Like the Verizon Wireless commercials, I feel like I have the power of one of the best networks behind me. It means so much to me, and is something that I'm not sure how I can every repay.

Update

Today was the first day of Chemotherapy. She did very well. It felt like we spend more time waiting for the blood test results to come back then the actual chemo. I must say that the nurses at the James Clinic at the Martha Morehouse medical center are some of the best nurses I've ever seen.

Right now she is resting with the third drug that needs to be continuously pumped into her body for 46 hours. While we were told about the potential side affects, I'm hoping they are limited, so she can enjoy having her brother here this weekend.

We are very hopeful that this will treat the cancer and push it into remission forever. Prayer and determination will takes us very far.

Update on Melissa

Some things have changed since the last post. We have found out that the cancer has spread to her liver. She doesn't have liver cancer, but the rectal cancer has spread to her liver. She goes in tomorrow to have a port put in her so they can start the chemo on Friday. On Friday, she will begin a 46 hour regimen of chemotherapy. From what I've gathered on my research, this is a fairly new procedure, and seems to be effective.

I am hopeful that this will shrink the growths down enough that they can remove them. While it is something that she (and I) will have to deal with for the rest of our lives, I would rather do that, then not have her at all.

It's tough to see her in pain, and not be the happy person she normally is. My mind does wander from time to time, but I quickly get rid of those thoughts and move on. I have four kids to worry about, including Logan's treatment, Holly's school work, Shannon and Megan are always on my mind as well. I have to be strong for them, and more importantly for Melissa. I'm sure the toughest is yet to come.

I'm very confident that we'll beat this. I have hope, and I'll use that as much as I can.

Life, and it's strange twists

There are several things in life that make you stop and reflect on things. Having a child, a death of someone close to you, marriage (or making a commitment to another person in front of friends and family) are all examples of this.

I recently had one of those moments. The Tuesday before Christmas, I found out that my wife had cancer. Specifically, colonrectal cancer. Needless to say, I was in a state of shock. In some ways, I still am. Someone her age, and she's younger than me, has cancer. It feels like a body blow that I've not recovered from.

I find myself thinking about the potential outcomes of all of this. Some of them, to be honest, aren't very pretty. And I'm scared. The person to whom I've dedicated my life to, in some ways is fighting for her own life. I feel helpless sometimes. It's hard to see someone whom you love suffer. And I do think about our kids and how this will impact them. I think that is the hardest part of all of this.

Through all of it, I've remained as positive as I can be. She's being treated at the Ohio State James Cancer Center, which is considered one of the best cancer hospitals in the nation. That gives me hope, and the determination to help her beat this thing. Most of those who know me, know that I am an optimist. Someone who always sees the good in any situation. While this situation will try that optimism, I'm confident that I, along with Melissa, can win.

I will try and keep everyone updated throughout all of this. I can't make any promises, as we don't know what road we will be going down as we travel. I hope that my next blog will be a positive, more uplifting, post.

Extreme Lazyman Makeover

You would think that me not having a job would allow me to post on here more often. That could NOT be farther from the truth. I'm actually still really busy, although it is of my own creation.

First off is my little consulting business. It's slow, given the economy and such, but I do make a little. It keeps my mind active, and helps me to learn more about computers and allows me to do things I couldn't do at my previous job, or in some sense, allow me. I've really expanded on my knowledge of servers and I'm beginning to grow in my own confidence in setting things up.

The other thing I'm doing is I'm back in school. I'm on my second course this semster. I've taken one three week course that I managed to get an A in. This next one...well...I'm not sure. I'm doing well, but finals are next week, and I'm somewhat nervous about them. I'm anxious to get it over with nonetheless.

Things have calmed down a bit at the center. The state is trying to end run the Federal ruling, but we are fighting them on that as well. They are going to try everything they can to close us down. It's nice to know we have some nice backup in place though.